Posted by Anonymous on 2020/02/03 under Life I hurt, and it's from people, situations, moments, choices, actions and many other things throughout and in my life. I told myself and on here that I would help myself, but I'm so f***ed I have no clue where to start. I'm unhappy with my life, and that makes me hurt more. I have started by working out intensely thinking it might help. I write on this site trying to help myself and sometimes others. I don't know if it helps them. I'm busy during the day, so I have no time to pitty myself. At night I can't stop and I want to be mentally healthy. I was sexually abused as a child. I always blamed myself, and as my mother did I acted like it was nothing. You see when I was 13 I started smoking pot and drinking almost everyday. It started with experimenting but then I liked to be numb. My mom was never around during this time, always out dating. She was very unhealthy but she was trying her best. She grew up with an alcoholic dad. She ended up marrying an abusive drunk. He was physically abusive and just nasty to me. Shortly after I met a boy in highschool. His family took me in one Christmas when my mom and I were told to leave by the cops from a physical altercation that he started. I stopped all drugs and ended up graduating on time. I loved my ex and his family but then I betrayed him. I ended up cheating and it got him a life record for beating the guy up. Many other things happened during these years but these are the ones that hurt the most. The sexual abuse My mother choosing men over me. Hurting and destroying people's lives that I really cared about and loved. Guilty, f***ed up, and hurt I just replay things in my head on repeat. I now push my husband away and I have become completely unhappy in my marriage. "Is this more self-sabotaging behavior?" I ask myself.