Posted by Anonymous on 2019/08/09 under Life I have no idea what to write tonight, i am in a kinda daze i do not feel right. I just heard a cat jump onto a trash can. I`m still a bit paranoid about no idea what. Also tonight i watched celebs go dating, its total crap but for some reason because its so dumb it seemed to make me forget my life and problems. I`m still horny and rubbing my penis through my grey sweat pants.
slightly paranoid about the future. Just cleaned the kitchen and bathroom i can smell the stench of bleach everywhere. Cheap horrible bleach that should have been diluted with water. Bullseye is on the TV i love this old show, Jim Bowen is a legend. I have lit two nag champa incense sticks. Switched my mobile phone off to avoid my incessant mind from rambling about calls or messages. Also trying to de clutter the flat. Its hard going especially with so many books art pictures and clothes all over the floor. The crazy thing is, its a bitter sweet acute pain because i am living in my sisters bedroom who passed away. Its cluttered up. I feel like i should remove things. Trash things. Set old bills on fire or shred them.
Reading Neil Gaiman`s Neverwhere, its not flowing very well, i keep stopping.
Tonight i went for a little drive in the ford car, i pulled up beside some garages around the corner and just sat there for a 30 minutes. Boy racers were smoking weed in a car just over to my right. I saw the moon from under the clouds, it was getting darker the sky ultramarine. Then within seconds the moon disappeared again. Its a waxing crescent moon, its getting bigger until its a full moon. Certain people should be having increased energy right now, until the full moon where people may be more fidgety. The wasps are out of the evening, moving around ever so slowly. They look like they have been drugged. Maybe its all the chemicals in the sky from the fossil fuels making them have brain rot. There was also a wasp in a spiders nest on the inside corner of a bus stop. It looked in half? do spiders chop up their prey? Today i sat under a tree. There was a black man in a silver Mercedes-Benz smoking weed opposite. I dazed under that tree as i took my Nike air trainers off and socks off. bare feet on the soft warm grass. I felt the trees blur in front of me. The wind tickled my face and hair. Pigeons flew in couples. Saw a grey squirrel.
It made me forget for 5 minutes.
I just don`t want to ever turn to the drink or drugs again or the smokes.
I should shave really.
I have a 5 o clock shadow.
I`m feeling horny a bit, now, would like to masturbate over porn or think about a woman i know who has large breasts long legs and a sexy face.
I don`t know what to do with myself i have scattered thinking.
I`m just rambling here really. Letting it all out.
I`m lonely i really need a woman. I miss my online female friends but they got sick of me. Sick of my games my weird sexual references and using them to get off on. Its been a long time since i had sex. I am so untouched. My skin craves tenderness. My flesh desires a female human touch. You would think id be a master at life by now. I am in my 40s. I have the brain of a child. Its time to grow up and get a job. Become a conformist working for a slave wage. Like many other suckers are. I hate it. I really dislike the way this world is set up and how we are told to perform.
I`m horny but have nothing to get off over. I`m dreadfully single.
So single i can feel my shadow follow me everywhere.
So stuck in my brain. I need to get to my heart. Learn to raise my energy from my groin area up into my heart.
Get out of my head and learn to live from the heart. Learn to listen to it.