Posted by Anonymous on 2019/06/12 under Life I only liked the games we played. I got to be the queen of the jungle, the mother of the dirt poor family, the sister of a billionaire family, the queen tiger, the tribe chief, and many fun roles in our childish games you ran. When you kissed my cheeks in our pillow forts we made, I was happy. When you touched my then flat chest under my shirt…I was nervous but it felt adventurous and adult. He's my cousin, one year younger. We were maybe 10 or 11 when we started it all. We grew older unfortunately and you must’ve learned things you shouldn’t have. Soon, you started touching my underwear. I felt a bit defensive and kept moving around so you couldn’t find what you were looking for. But I was so innocent then, I didn’t even know why you liked touching my underwear so much. But eventually, you did find what you were looking for and I learned the existence of my vagina. That night, you touched me so much. You inserted your fingers in me again and again. It hurt so much, physically and emotionally. But it wasnt supposed to hurt. I liked you. But I cried and cried, silently while you were under my blankets.you finally left to probably go jerk off. I was innocent though and just thought you had to go to the bathroom lol. I was just so relieved you left and cried a bit louder. And I decided I must fall asleep, then he will stop bothering me. He was obviously disappointed when he came back, tried to poke me awake though I was already awake…but he finally gave up. We grow up a little more, every time we meet he puts his fingers in me. But I allow it and I start to like it. We talk less and less. I start to look forward to seeing him. Every time I see him, my heart beats, nervously. I think it’s love. Finally, I grow up and learn bad things. I touch his penis, put it in my mouth. The next time, as usual when he was putting his fingers in me, I realize it’s not his finger anymore. I lose my virginity. I feel like a piece of meat, a sex doll maybe. But I enticed him too. I always wore skirts, I always hid with him if we played hide and seek, I always went to him to the private spot where he was waiting for me. We meet again a few months later. He wants sex. I tell him no, last time you made me scared of being pregnant. He dry humps me. We meet again. He puts his fingers in me, and again it turns into sex without him telling me. But I did encourage him, I touched him a bit too. For the next month, I am scared of STDs and pregnancy. We meet again a couple months later. We kiss for the first time. We make out. But no sex. A couple months pass, I start college. I make my first boyfriend that I can truly trust. I love him. Then I have to see my cousin again, a family event. I avoid him. Nothing happens. Christmas comes. All the cousins are put into one room to sleep as usual. I dont want to go next to him. But he wants me to, I can clearly see. So I do. He starts touching me, as usual. I feel uncomfortable. But I can’t say anything, all my other little cousins are around. I text my bf, he tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him all while my cousin is touching me. He tells me good night. I say wait, im scared of my cousin, what should i do!? He cant read the word “cousin” because we talk in 2 languages and i am better at one than him. I tell him it reads cousin, but nvm, im fine. He cant do anything to save me anyway. I wait until I know for sure the other cousins are asleep while my cousin keeps touching me. While I wait, I touch his privates once too, because I’m stupid and I wanted to compare him with my boyfriend. My heart hurts, beats, i am uncomfortable. Finally, the others fall asleep. I try to draw the courage to say stop for about 10 minutes while shying away from him at every hint of another cousin being awake as an excuse to shy away. Finally, I draw up the courage. I say let’s stop. Why don’t you talk to me anymore? Do you have a girlfriend? He says no. I say I have a boyfriend. And then I kiss him. I tell him idk what I’m doing. I tell him I liked him though. He says its okay. He says let’s just say good night. We sleep. FUuck. I just messed up. I'm guilty. I hate my cousin now. Why did he ever have to touch me? I hate myself the most. Why did it take me so long to say stop? Why couldn’t I have tried to sleep in another room? I tell my bf about it, he's upset but he forgives me. One month passes, another family party. We sleep in bedrooms across from each other. This time he grabs me on my way up the stairs. Thank god I'm on my period. I tell him so, he touches me anyway. He tells me that he had cheated on his girlfriends with me before. I don't respond. I suck him. For what, why, sadness, fear, desire to be loved by him? Maybe it was the alcohol my aunt gave us. I leave. Few months pass without a family event. I eventually break up with the bf due to feeling guilty about cheating on him with my cousin. With the break up I tell my cousin, finally just by message, for the first time, don't touch me. I write it clearly. My cousin makes a long term gf. I see her all the time at family events. I get back with my bf a couple times, never really works out. I study abroad for a year. Have a couple other bfs. I don't see my cousin for awhile. I'm back now. He's coming back this Sunday. The last time I saw him in winter, our grandfather was dying. We talked a bit like cousins would. But I made sure we were never alone together. Though I kinda wanted to see him alone…He's coming back this Sunday from working in England. I'm afraid. I want to see him. I hate myself. I also just want to make love with him. I hate myself.I just want to be loved. I feel broken. Sorry the writing is very disorganized, I took bits and pieces from my journals. You know what, it doesn't matter if this is called rape or disgusting or incest or forbidden love. It's the past. Oh, this is why I'm so afraid of seeing him again. I can't f*** him. I want him to remain the past. Or do I not……
2 thoughts on “did he rape me?”
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Your current craving for your cousin is based on the past. Dont feel guilty that you want him, spite the family status. If you want him then you want him, no sense trying to fool yourself. Dont hate yourself for it, dont hate him as well.
Sure this started when you were both young, maybe too young, but sex eventually happens, and most girls are younger than you think when they start messing around. 8-13 years old beleive it or not. still its normal, and most times cousins are the first ones.
To call it rape, I think that is wrong. but dont let me or anyone else tell you it was or it was not rape.
Just because it hurt your first time (it usually does) does not make it rape. Both of you fell into it, even though he knew a little more about it than you, both of you still did it.
Your account of everything is like a ping pong ball as you say one thing and the contradict it in the next statement. I think I get it… you don’t want to but then you do want to.
Maybe he makes you feel safe in some way, nothing wrong with that. however for family peace, it might be better to end the cousin on cousin relationship as it will cause problems if anyone finds out.
Sorry I cannot make the call for you and tell you (more) what to do.
the main thing, dont beat yourself or him up over it. its the past and you have a future to look at.
Dont believe societys dication, that you are hurt, scared, raped and must seek justice. That is just a fool game. You are alive, made it this far in life, and will continue on with your life. if you listen to society, then you are not in controll of your own thoughts and are not in power of your own destiny. Dont let society dictation rule your life.
Thank you for such kind thoughts. I think you’re right. Society keeps telling me it is rape. Or not. That it’s disgusting incest. But actually, sex and life is more complicated to be defined by such simple words. For family peace, I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone until everyone else is dead. But your words really brought me calm.