Posted by Anonymous on 2019/05/19 under Life I want to start this diary by highlighting the good thing that you have within you. Anonymous me, i know that you believe you are a worthless piece of s***. You don’t see the value within you. I understand you. In your life since you first step on this world, the higher being knew you were and are different. He/she or it wanted to see what you were capable of. Beginning with your first test. Birth. Will you be alive after drinking amniotic Fluid? This was the first obstacle in which you surpass after lots of struggles. Aren’t you alive now writing your thoughts? As you continue to grow more obstacles were place in your path. As a young toddler, you were different, unique. Not the typical toddler ( man i wish i could remember more of my rebelled day as a toddle, life was good men) As a toddler you were always on the go. Such an active young women that wanted to explore her surroundings. Learn about the world with all your senses. As a toddle you were a hurricane, no one could stop you. you did what you wanted the way to wanted to be, no restrains. I believe this is a good quality to have at this age. However, others did not view your quality, they view you as a fastidio (spanish is my second language). As you were exploring the world with curiosity to learn and absorbed every millisecond others wanted to restrain you. Why? Well because you were as I said before, different. Society tries to define who you are since the beginning in two simple concepts. Either you are good person or you are bad/worthless/not discipline. Lol the second category is more than one word, i just wanted to get my point across. In this two concept anonymous me was label as bad/ not discipline. As this occur others view you with negative eyes. Starting with your own blood. Your family. One may believe that family will accept all members of the group as is ( con defectos y qualidades). However thats not the reality. The reality is that a family is a group of people that judge without boundaries. In general people are always quick to judge and analyze the defects of others. Instead of focusing on their own imperfections. I would like to completely understand this concept but i think i have a surface answer. As i see if judging is a coping mechanism and we all have it. We don’t want to hurt out ego because its just painful. It opens old doors that were never explored or might have a triple lock because they don't want to reach this thoughts. From this experiences is how people, well i believe this is how morals, personalities, and attitudes towards others. Going back to how this might had affected anonymous me. well as a kid you were different and sadly some people do not know how to handle different. Why? Well because when your diferente you don't fit in one category, but at the same time you fit in multiple categories. For them, your family, you were just like an alien, something unreal. THAT IS OK!! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING DIFERENTE AND NOT FITTING SOCIAL STANDARDS. That builds your individuality. I dont want to blame anyone for the behavior that they had towards me in the past. I just want anonymous me to understand from where all her problems within herself come from and how this have affected her present and maybe future. As an hurricane toddler you were simply not understood. People majority of the time want to know the why of everything. The problem of this is that sometimes there is no explanation of the why. Anonymous me you were the why that no one understood. So you were isolated from others. No one wanted to deal with you because you were just too complicated. Imagine being a parent and not knowing how to handle your child. no matter how much you were punished or bit with a chancleta, you did not listen. Then as a parent trying the best to raised you while others are judging your parental skill. “Ohhhh you cant control your kid” “ponle atención a tu hija que es una mal criada” so what you do as a parent? You preferred to hide/isolate your child because you don't want the criticism to reach the ears of your most precious creation. This is what happened to you, sadly is something that you cant control. First, you were 1 or 2 . At that age many concept have not develop. Like damn at that age you don t even know what concept is. Secondly, you cant control the feeling and behavior others have towards you. I wish maybe things were handle differently. Maybe with a more open minded family that could had appreciate my individuality. As you grew up the isolation became more intense. It was anonymous me, my mother and sister( she is older than me 3 years). I was us 3 against the world. As i mentioned before, life only gets harder as you advance in it. Well then it came to the divorce of my parents, i can say that maybe this is the most traumatic situation that i had. Still working on it. This is were dependency in other comes in the picture. As my parents divorce, my dad decided to start a new life with another women living us behind. I grew up with a father figure until i was 5. I believe that a father figure is important because in general men are more confident than women ( please women dont get offended but it takes us more time to become confident since society is just mess up). For me, a father is the one that help to build carácter. They teach you about self love and self worth. They teach you how to say no, even if it mean losing others. Reality is, you cant make everyone happy, no matter how much you try is not possible. So you just have to do you. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Going back to the story ( sorry guys this is the moment you guy can go a grab something to eat or drink, i still have a lot to write lol) dad left mom became head of the family. I understand that in my childhood my mom may have not been there for me much. She was to busy making that bread, making sure we had food and a roof over our heads. I do not blame her for what is happening to me. I can only thank her for always encouraging me and my sister to be better, specifically academic. She always make sure we knew having a education will be the legacy she pass to us. However i lacked emotional support. I hAd some demons that i did not understand and im still trying to figure out. This is where my sister comes into the story. As i already mentioned my older sister is 3 years older than me. at the age of 8 she took the role that many kids only will experience in adulthood. Anonymous sister was my mom and dad. Making sure i was good and breathing. I became dependent on her. She was the person that will find a solution to the problem. No matter the situation. With only 8 year old, can you imagine that? Like damnnn. I want to emphasize that yes i am dependent on her. I when i was younger i really did not made any major decision. Anonymous sister did those. I will just follow her in whatever she will instruct me. Is like monkey say monkey do. This dependent behavior still affects me in sooo many levels and in all the aspects of my life. I am constantly seeking for validation. As i see it, i am like a dog. I will do anything for my owner just to get that “good girl”. This is how i loose myself in others. I want to be want others want me to be. Maybe because when I grew up that was the only way other will engaged with me. By doing whatever they say to me, I preferred that than been isolated like i was majority of the time. Is sad to say this but i want to be all you want me to be so you can love me. I am afraid to be alone. I think is a fear that i have. It’s something i am working in. Sadly this behavior is extreme when it comes to men. I want to be every man fantasy. If you want me to be a bad bid, you can call me riri or cardi b. Ooo but know you want me to be innocent, hey i am cinderella nice to meet you. Lol. I can say that i really don't show men my truth. Maybe that is why men tend to use me and the jus throw me like a bone. This is conflicting to me. Sometimes i feel i have multiple personalities, but still lack to know my own personality. Who i am. Who is anonymous me. What anonymous me wants for herself. Where anonymous me wants to go or do. I feel like i have try so hard to be what others want me to be that i am just a straight up fake. This behavior is what caused me to get rapped in the first place. I want to start this topic by saying that no men or women should ever be blamed for being raped. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, there are some f***ed up people. However i do want to say my case could have been prevented. Story time!!! Well i am going to be real and i hope i dont offend no men women or it. i was being the hoe of some rich guy. We will call him main man. I was his booty call. He will call me any time during the day or night, even at 1 am, and i will come through. To be honest, i didn't care about his money. I am a nurse, i can support myself financially. I think what drag me to him was how he went from nothing to so much. As my number 1 role model cardi will say, he made money moves. He was an intellectual man and i find that so sexy like damn. I do not believe he is a bad person for what he did to me. He has a kind heart, the problem is the people he surrounds himself with. They value him for what he has. Cars, cloths, costume watches. I know that for him i was just his sex relieve or reusable condom. However i did not realize this back then. I feel i was not like in love with him but i loved him. The night that i was rapped, i remember i bought new underwear just for him to see. I wore heels which is not the usual, but i just wanted to be sexy for him. Like it tool me a hour to hey ready lol ridiculous. I wanted main man to see me beautiful or attractive. I needed him to say it because i dont see myself as beautiful. I got to the car and played dj khaled, his favorite rapper. I got to his place so pumped to see him. I went in, sat on the couch feeling my best. We began to have sex, the usual. The he asked “oh my friends are in the house, i can hit it from the back while you suck my friends” at that moment i should have left, but i didnt. I just turned around and told him that i did not want that and continue with the business. To be honest i thought he said it as a joke like naaaaaaa he will never do that to me. He loves me. Well friend one walked in followed by friend two three and four. At that moment i stopped and told main man that i wanted to leave. I dont want no other man if it wasnt main man. i tried to leave but i was hold down. Like champagne bottles belts started to pop. Friend 1234 no pants. As main man was penetrating me, his friends were masturbating on top of me. i just went numb, only one tear roll down my face. I don’t remember the faces of his friends, but i dod remember the friction noise when they were jerking off. I can say that i am thankful that i was not penetrated by his friends. It could have been worst. They just watched me being dominated by main me, the one i thought love me lol. I left his house with no emotions, i was not even mad. I got home and showered for 1 hour. It’s strange i did not felt dirty. however i need to feel the water because i wanted to cry but i could not. The shower water were mu tears. Worst part of all of this is that after what happened main man and anonymous me continue to hang occasionally. I forgive him. I think he was just testing how far he could push my limits. After that happen this is the first time i am opening up about it. However i do want to say that this experience helped me to see how badly i can be manipulated by others. How little respect i have for myself. It sad because this is still my reality. I dont love myself. I don’t acknowledge my qualities, gifts, and how much of a wonderful person i am. But i can consider myself a work in process. Its a promise to myself. Congratulation anonymous me you just took the first step. Cardi b- be careful Cardi b- get up 10 Kids see ghost- reborn