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Posted by on 2019/05/07 under Life

I’m a very social person and I’ve always had tons of friends wherever I’ve lived. 2 years ago I met my first proper boyfriend who emotionally abused me and made me feel pathetic about my existence which in turn gave me a s*** load of clinical depression. My father has a transferable job so we keep shifting places. Last year, we moved places again and I was relieved that I’m leaving all that trauma and bulls*** behind.

*slow claps for my unrealistic optimism*

I came to this s***hole sooner that we’d intended to, and guess the f*** what? NOT.A.SINGLE person around my age here (at least NOT one that I came across), all super egoistic, arrogant, coked up f***ers who think they’re too good for this world. At first I convinced myself that good things take time blah blah and it’s probably because the people that I’m across are c***heads, deep inside the fairy god mother in me told me to ‘keep my eyes open because magic is everywhere’ In fact I even had a small laugh with myself thinking ‘i’m obviously not going to be desperate and alome after a year haha’ so cute!!! Desperate? No. but alone? YES. F*** YES.
It’s been 11 f***ing months and I still don’t know a single soul here. I’ve reached my saturation point where all my positivity is dead. The worst part is those who know me act all shocked when I say that ‘I don’t know anyone here’ and what makes this situation worse?this s*** suggestion- “oh why don’t you hang out with the people in your area?’” Omg!! How smart are you?? Of course I never sat on a bench like a creep waiting for a group of people to pass me so that I can tell them about my existence lmao!!! Like WHAT THE F*** SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH.

I feel like the place I was in before has cursed me so bad that I cannot even bloody move on in my f***ing life. Every time i’m even minutely upset, I get paranoid because i’m so scared of being sad, I’m so bloody scared of depression or a relapse. I don’t want to house it in my body, i just f***ing can’t. But it looks like this s***hole place or wherever the f*** i’m going is hell bent on making me go through crap s*** again.

I’m having so many breakdowns. It’s so NOT ME. Depression changes a person but I got out of it, I BEAT IT then why is it trying to take revenge from me? Why?
I have come to a point where i’m getting colder and colder everyday, i’m kind and warm to people, i smile at everyone, I still have a dramatic breakdown when someone’s rude to me but i’m still cold in a way you know? I mean i know it makes 0 sense but I can feel every word I’m saying. Like it’s this weird feeling where i’m scared and upset for what i’m turning into but also trying to focus on the bright side that nothing can hurt me now.

One thought on “Cursed

  1. Rosalie Crutchley says:

    I have been in a similar situation and moving is difficult. Starting afresh does take time but i found its not always about other people and friends, and fitting in. some places are full of ego materialism and clicky. Best thing i started doing was focusing on myself,If im alone i got no friends, i can go on a long bus ride, i can go explore the countryside, i got into Art, poetry, music. I did my own thing, i got hobbies and forgot other people i was in a kinda zone of my own creativity and creation and then i met people who had similar interests to me. Different artists and met a musician who i began to start playing music with. Through him i met others and i wasnt ready for it really. He then joined a photography class but i couldnt be bothered with it. So just follow your own interests and forget the people, then the people will come, and you cant even rely on them either because they might not be the best or right people either. Be your own best friend.

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