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Posted by on 2018/10/30 under Life

I feel so alone. I only have him next to me. And thats great. I love him. Hes done so much. He tries so hard…but it still hurts. I have no one else. No friends. No family. My own mother ignores me. I was never wanted by her. My brothers were much more loved. After all thier father stayed with her while they were little. But me. I was the mistake that shouldve never happened. She told me that enough as a child that I'll never forget it. No one wants me around. I get that. Ive gotten that for so long now. I used to try so hard to be liked. Id do anything of it meant not being alone. But that just made it worse. "Youre so annoying" "You try to hard to have people like you" "You're so fake no one wants you here". Yeah. I know. You dont have to tell me. I get it. And the things i liked werent what normal people liked. So when i stopped only got worse. I started to give up. I honestly just wanted to die. I tried. Not that anyone knew. I always stopped last second. I was afraid. Afraid of being alone forever. I met him. And things didnt instantly get better. We had our problems. But…he helped me grow. He helped me see that if no one else could accept me…maybe he could. And he mostly does. But he cant understand me. Why Im always sad. Why i always feel so alone amd empty. I kmow he doesnt mean to hurt me. But the things he says sometimes…destroy me. I dont want to be sad. I dont want to feel alone. I dont like being like this…but i cant help it. Ive tried so many times. And when hes not around…i feel like i dont even exist. No one talks to me. The only human interaction i really have is with my toddlers. One of whom can barely mumble momma. I know that should be enough….i know that..but its not. I used to have friends. When i was really little. When i still had a little bit of happiness….but they moved. All at once they moved and i lost the only connections i ever truly had. Every friend since has been…a shallow friendship. Something where we would talk for a month or so then not even see each other for a year…and then i thought i had friends again. We were somewhat friends in school and all had kids so mom friends…but then…i was replaced. An old friend of thiers moved back to town…and i stopped being invited. And when they would constantly tag me (which was the basics of my adult interaction with the outside world)…they stopped. Once again…I am forgotten. And I honestly dont know what to do. I have no friends. No one who checks up on me. No one who cares. I feel like if I vanished from the face of the earth..only my kids and him would notice. If they didnt exist…no one on this entire planet would notice i was gone. And thats the most terrifying thing. Is knowing i am so forgotten that no one would notice of i just…vanished…

One thought on “Secluded…and forgotten

  1. Anonymous says:

    you don’t give yourself as much credit as you tend to think. LIVE

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