Posted by Anonymous on 2018/07/02 under Life Hi it’s me connor I’m typing this out since I don’t know what I have or if I can be helped before its to late So I always stayed to myself most of the time I figured that was best back then but then I look back and see all that missed out on by keeping to myself like friends and maybe a boyfriend o yeah guess you should know I’m gay I never really told to many people since it was my drama and did not want anyone to be pulled in that and I did not want to end up alone I know that’s crazy being that my parents are great my whole family is in fact even if they have time when there not but we all do sometimes so to me there the best people I could have ever asked for and would not want it to change I will say they don’t act like a family they all try to stay to them self’s too guess that’s where I get it from lol my Grandma G. even though she did not have a lot to do with me or other grandchildren we all still love her we wish she would want to spend time with us trying to get to know us and not trying to make all of us to spend time with every one else simply since we want to spend time with her not the other people but we say nothing since we don’t want to make her feel bad then there is R.J as I call her lol she is really strong but she may be able to hide her self from everyone else but I can see the true her she is warm and caring and always wanting people to like her but she also is not hurt if someone dose not she stands up for people who are getting treated badly and she would move heave and earth for her kids to me that’s a great mother and I understand she stays having stress one thing others don’t seem to see she dose so much she never lets her self just relax and be her instead she tries to keep going forever and that make me sad since when you do that that’s how bad things happen you have to just let go sometime and be you if you don’t you could stop being your self or even worse there’s a reason your body tells you to stop like I said ill probably be kinda random so get ready to jump from one family member to another lol next S.J no I don’t have great thoughts about him he dose not live up to what he could there is so much there and he just dose not care he could do so much with his life and no his siblings may not see that but I do and I know he could really become something but he lets to many people do stuff for him like living with mama G that’s just not right I could understand if he was taking care of her or helping her out with bills but he dose not I at least not that I know of anyways some of his children take bad paths but I know they also can make something of them self’s and I understand that not everyone is perfect and I don’t think they should be the world would be so dull if everyone was perfect on the first try that’s why I love my family so much we may take the wrong paths but we always find our way and we stick together even if someone dose not want to lol then there’s my dad he’s not perfect but he’s my dad and I love him even if he take the wrong paths sometimes but like I said everyone dose so I’m not going to be mad at him for that he is not always wanting to be a dad I feel like he never wanted to get to know me and that he did not want a lot to do with me since I was not the footballs tuff type of guy I have always been a more soft and im happy to be me since I would not have the sight to see it like this if I was not he dose his best and that’s why I love him and then there’s my mom now I know I probably have way better stuff to say about her but its only since I know her better and see what she dose every day she is strong and dose not let people push her around I don’t say stuff like this but she is a total bad ass lol but I know she still cares what people think she still loves her family and wants to be loved but she has told herself that she dose not and I can see its not true or she would not cry when they make her feel unloved it brakes me apart to see anyone like that feeling like there not loved when there is always someone who loves you just have to look a little deeper to find it my mom is like nanny may is the fact she would move heave and earth for her children all my family is great in so many ways it would take to long to say all the words that’s why im going to try and say it on here since I don’t know whats going to happen to me and if something dose I want them to know how much I love them all and the fact that there all perfect well as perfect as they can be and I love them for that I know im not great or perfect I hide myself from the world trying not to get hurt but all it dose is hurt me worse since I always am so scared to love since I don’t want to have someone tell me that they could never love me and that’s one reason I don’t have a boyfriend since I know how I am and I know I would not make it if I found someone I loved then they left me it would kill me I would not know what to do and I would probably end it myself so I would not be in pain and I guess that’s why I need someone who wont let me push them away or let me be alone I can be crazy way to much in to romance lol I always thought I would find someone who would just take me and then would live my happy life but that day is still not here lol and if what I have is as bad as I think then I might not get to know ever I’m very sad about that and the fact I wont ever get my first kiss and that tells you what you need to know about my sex life its not there lol I always told myself your to fat your not smart people wont like you and you cant make it guess like I was saying I was hurting myself all this time I just feel stupid now since I did nothing with my life I just hid and stayed away from the world I would always think I would have my first kiss and that would be the person I would spend the rest of my life with simply since I know I would love them so much since they either kissed me and did not let me go or I kissed them and let them see the real me I can be so stupid now that’s all a far away dream not sure if its going to happen guess that’s sucks if I end up dying or something else I worry way to much about life and im only 17 right now 18 in September how stupid am I to not be living life when im only 17 and then mad that everyone finds there perfect match maybe ill find mine I hope I do in less im dying then I don’t I would not want to hurt anyone I would pain me to think of someone in pain since I did not keep away maybe that’s why I hide myself I don’t know and I guess since I have be hiding for so long its just became normal to me I can be anyone I need to be but that’s not always a good thing I just want to be myself not all these other versions of me being fake I hate it but I keep it up so maybe people will stay away and so I can keep myself and others safe from the pain that’s follows me I call it my dark cloud always waiting to take someone I love away I have never been good at saying good bye I hate good byes since then it has to end never to go any where else to just stop most think there are good , good byes but I don’t to me there all sad to have to give someone up and yes I know that’s wrong to think that way but I still do I guess a lot of people do we all worry about something being taken away we cant really open our eyes and see all of what’s around us and its truly sad being that we are killing the world we call home guess this is the end of this not a good bye but just an end so that I may start again
So I guess there are going to be a lot of random stuff knowing me lol anyways guess ill start .