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Mechanical Disarray.

Posted by on 2018/03/06 under Life

You just won't let me have it, will you? Happiness. It was so within my reach this time and you simply had to tug it away with that snide little laugh of yours. I don't even know who I'm blaming this time, always blaming, never fixing, self-destructive hatred.

Why? I'm so sick of asking and never getting an answer. Perhaps because I already know the answer. Me, I'm the problem, I always have been, she told me this from day one and regaled about how perfect she was. I almost gave in. Countless times now, yet I never do, too scared to even though it would be for the best.

If it's not my mind shattering beneath her torment, my soul being extinguished by the smothering fog of abuse, or my will being used as a rope to strangle me, it is my body.

Even that has given up now. My heart, it hurts, physically not metaphorically, after the panic attack it was never the same and now I fear it never will be.

But why did it happen? I'm in a good place now, at a temporary truce with my demons and so tantalisingly close to happiness. I've been in far worse states, far darker places, so why now?

To stop me. It's clear now, I am not allowed happiness. For years I have tried to chase it, tried to create it and something always drags me back into the abyss. This time it was my body, my heart, not even my purest element wishes too be happy; I can see that now.

Please. Leave me be.

– TG

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