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Posted by on 2018/03/01 under Life

I woke up late at 9:30 this morining! My yesterday spent at a nursing home watching my dad lay catatonic gazing at the ceiling with his dried out grey gazing eyes that seemed to stare blindly into nothing.

I sat there watching his gasping and heaving for every breath and said few words other than a suggestive comments of forgivenss of my own faults and wrongs to him and forgiving him for what he has done to me in my own.

It was cold, empty statement, and I was unsure if I even ment the words, but days before it was suggested and I mauled it over in that meantime, and went there with those humble intents…yesterday!

But in yesterdays forgiveness,today? I feel nothing even outside my own norms of compassion and self guilds……(NOTHING!) as I look down and see the 2 missed messages, knowing damn well what news would fallow. Hes Dead!

In the day to flollow (now 36 hours later), I find myself mixed in confusions! I only start to break down in tears for about a minute and only when talking in relations to moms death 5 years earlier. Am I crying just for her or him? Its got to be her as I tear as I type this now.

Bud dad is 36 hours dead and my emotions are running amuck, empty, but alive with thoughts. Am I now coldened steel, or a mental twised mess bound for hell as I cannot find the empathy in me?

I cant remeber more good with him than I remember the bad~ a lifetime of torment, threats, narccissim, and raign of power, weeks and months of recourse and retailiations, some of which was PAYBACKS as he menioned events that are 40 years old, he now justifies his acts of revenge intentionally flicking ashes on the floor and on me as well, citing my acts at age 14 (now grown and age 53) as if I am now overdue the eternity of paybacks.

My life has been nothing but an accountable puch-list record keeping (by him), while he did whatever he pleased and without accountability. Yet he held me accountable and imprisioned while he betrayed, theived, molested, and conned the world and those around him.

To hell with it!
I now feel an empty freedom, no longer stalked, and I slept well for the first time in over a decade.

God Forgive me, for I feel he made me what I was and now am.

I only pray, I do not treat my own grown kids in the same way…I love them too much. Forgive me if I have, or will.

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