Posted by Anonymous on 2017/11/11 under Life i really usually don't do stuff like this. it just isn't my nature. i've always been the one to have my makeup done perfectly and my nails long and bright. i listen to rap and smoke weed and act like i don't give a f***. but i'm at the point where i don't know what to do.
i have attempted suicide last june or july, but that obviously didn't go through and i have made sure for a fact that no one ever knew i did. like i said, i'm not one to be depressed.
when i had attempted suicide, i was drinking to the point where i could have died from alcohol poisoning. i wasn't in the write state of mind, but i sure remember what i was doing. i remember being rushed to the intensive care unit, and my step-dad talking about the money i hadn't thought would be spent on hospital bills. my mom was nice for a while, but soon it was my fault. it was my fault for wanting to die. because the nights when she was beaten so bad that she needed 10 stitches was my fault. the nights she would get so drunk, and argue with my grandparents, or cause us to call the police was my fault. the night when i wouldn't give her her keys, so she pushed me against a wall and called me a whore. watching her throw up when i had told her that i had sex with black people, because she was so disgusted that i liked them. she called me a nigger lover. one night at applebee's, i had binge ate so much. i went into the bathroom and threw up all i ate, and i couldn't stop vomiting. my mom went in the bathroom, saying i was probably pregnant with a niggers baby. all the pain she caused me. the nights where i sat in bed and cried so hard because i thought i was completely worthless because i let everyone down. i snuck out, i drank, i smoked weed, i had sex with 11 people, and the fact is im 14. "i have nothing to be depressed about." i would never tell anyone that. depression can be caused from f***ing anything and everything and you cant f***ing judge someone's depression. i cannot leave the house without a 2 hour, full f***ing caked face of makeup on. i go to school and laugh because a boy grabbed my boob. i come home and sit in my room and think of ways i could get my phone back, already planning the next time i can sneak out again.
last night i went to a baseball game and it was bright and i walked over to the soccer fields in the complex where the bright lights weren't on and just continued to walk until i was in the middle of the f***ing woods. i live in ocala florida, where there is so much trees and plains. i felt like i was at a completely different place than that dumb loud baseball game. i just sat there and cried. over and over. for 10 minutes until i walked back and sat down on the bleachers blankly staring. i don't even know why that was relevant, but i felt like that had something to do with the fact that im hurting. im miserable. no one knows either.i cant do a thing right either. cant keep my virginity, cant stop drinking, cant stop smoking weed, i listen to some bulls*** friends that don't give a f*** about me, i catch feeling for guys who don't give a f*** about me, and the good guys i end up f***ing over because i cant "handle the stress" when in actuality im just bored, im failing 5/6 of my classes, with a 0 F, my grandma attempted suicide because she thought i couldn't be saved, i went to private school last year and know the lords prayer in english and spanish, and everything about the bible, but i grabbed a guys d*** and smoked weed outside of a church. im disgusting. maybe i do all of this to myself because i don't want happiness. maybe i want so much pain that i can push myself to actually die this time. i don't know why the f*** anything happens. im almost positive no one is going to read this, but im glad i got to write all this.