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Posted by on 2012/02/11 under Uncategorized

Every time I come home I tend to be really excited. I can’t wait to get home, I look forward to seeing my parents, I look forward to seeing my dog etc. But when I get home, something changes. I’m not sure what, but I can’t help but get angry with my mother at times with her attitude. She thinks everyone should marry for money, not love. I personally have no intention of ever getting married and I find that my lack of ability to commit or trust anyone who shows me any form of emotion is down to her complete cynicism for love. The more I think about it, I don’t think there ever was a time where she told me I’d fall in love with someone great.. just I’d marry someone rich. And now look at me. It’s 7pm, I’m lying in bed, evicted from the living room where ‘she’s the parent’. I’m 24 years old. I’m not a child. Yet I feel like one more and more every day.
When I come home, I find myself thinking. Thinking of the past and all the things I’ve missed out on. All because I wasn’t able to admit that I felt something more.

If only I had known then what I know now. Yet it took someone hurting me beyond any form of grief I have ever endured for me to reach this point of realisation. And I don’t think I’ll ever feel anything for anyone ever again. Maybe my mother was right. Don’t fall in love. Just use someone as they do you. Because look what I’m going through now. I don’t know what has me more upset right now, the fact that my mother is right or the fact that I realised it before I got to feel love from someone else. What else is left.

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