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Posted by on 2012/01/06 under Uncategorized

All these sites are here called ‘blogs’ and really i didnt want to sign onto or register onto anything to write how i felt at this very moment. Maybe i wont be able to see this ever again. Im sure many people comment on here daily. Many people have searched ‘somewhere i can just write’ and found this page. Many people have different reasons to be here. Mines? Because at this very moment i have no one. No matter how much my sister tells me that i have her. Well.. do i? shes asleep. The people i counted on, depended on, loved? have all dissapeared. My boyfriend, now EX slowely fell out of love with me when all i ever wanted was for him to want to be WITH me. And not want everything else. We never really spoke about why we broke up. But i know deep down, that you had fallen out of love with me. This is the most ive ever cried for someone. Not because i lost a boyfriend, but because i lost the love of a best friend. I always just wanted you there. But communication between us broke and then we didnt talk. I waited two months before i finally had to end it because you hadnt come to see me in two months and you literally lived around the corner from me. We didnt always have to spend money, i knew you had money problems and so did i. We were broke. No money to spend on one another. But that didnt matter to me. I always said it didnt. I think you felt as if it did. Now that your back to your life of drinking, smoking weed and clubbing when im sitting here wishing i could give you more happiness than those things.. It wont all come back to me will it? I built up so much courage to tell you i missed you in that text after so long and you joked it off. You cut me off. You took me out of your life completely. Its nearly been a year since i last saw you. Talking about it now is hurting me.. my eyes are in pain because i want to cry. that horrible feeling in my throat because i want you back so badly. Maybe i didnt understand your worth when i had you and now i blame myself and slightly hate you for falling out of love with me. I told myself id never go back to you if you came back but then recently i realised that i cant live without you. I wish this hurt you as much as it hurts me.. then maybe youd text me one day saying you missed me and everything would be okay.
The other reason i believe i have no one is because i lost my best friend, the person i told everything to other than my boyfriend. I lost the two at the same time. I lost one to him falling out of love and the other to her falling in love with another. To me, friendship is love. Bestfriend. What does that even mean? I neglected every friendship for you. It was like you were another part of me. We always bought eachother those ‘me to you’ friendship keyrings that halved. One part for me. The other for you. I always let you keep the ‘best’ part and i had the ‘friend’ part. What you never understood was that you truely meant the world to me. You were the best of me. You wernt just a best friend in words. You were the best part of me. I didnt care how obsessive it sounded. Everyone said we were like a old married couple and we’d laugh and be glad everyonee thought we’d always last. I always went out my way to do things with you. Always be there for you. I knew you were afraid to go out into the world after school. School was were you felt secure. So i always offered to be there, even if it meant running around after you and making life difficult for myself. Now, you have a new best friend. I always compared myself to her. Shes so pretty, im ugly. Shes so mature, im stupid. She always knows what to say, what to do. She knows how to speak to others. She knows how to dress. Everything was perfect. And what was i? I was a mess. Boyfriend falling out of love with me, no money therefore no money to buy makeup and make myself look good, no money to dress decent so i had to make do with what i had. I was/am still fat. Everytime i wanted to speak to you id have to go through her. She would always be there. Always talking to me. I couldnt get through to you. She was giving me advice, she’d never take herself. When i distanced myself from you she told you to leave me and not bother with my drama. You were embarassed of me. I wasnt your perfect best friend anymore that everyone would think was so pretty. I was becoming an ugly anti-social mess. I wouldd hide from the world. I was ugly inside out. I was broken and beaten to surrender my life. I wanted to kill myself. I cried night and day for you. i told you i was crying for my ex but really i was mourning for our friendship. I saw you with her constantly. You had never been to my house but youd travel even further to go to hers, youd spent countless hours together and knowing eachothers families. She became close to your mum, when thats all i had felt i had left was the love and belief your mother had in our friendship as she didnt believe an indian and muslim could ever be best friends till we became the best of friends and then she began to beleive it. I became distant. I was dead inside. 2011 was the year i lost two things that meant the world to me. 2011 was the year i wanted to kill myself. April 2011 i lost it all. And slowely i believed id lose my mind.

2 thoughts on “06-01-12(5:17:56)

  1. Anonymous says:

    The pain of losing love can not be described.

  2. seo says:

    This webpage does not show up properly on my android – you might want to try and fix that

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