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Posted by on 2011/12/25 under Uncategorized

i have had the desire to jump and see if I could fly for quite some time. I spend so much time in my life thinking about how badly I’ve dishonored myself anf broke trust with the people I care about and it’s eating me alive. All year all I’ve thought about was how messed up the world is and more specifically how tragic our society is for allowing kids to grow up with so many terrible influences and how dumb and blind so many people are to them. I partied and complained, critized and f***ed around this year thinking there was nothing better I could be doing but I still feel like such an idiot. My mistakes have all but caught up and this years drawing to a close and I’m left with nothing but an emptiness that I now see is empty because of me.

What the hell have I been doing? Trying to find peace and self worth by laughing and dancing and drinking the nights away, doing practically anything I could to rid myself of my past mistakes. I know now hopefully that the problems of my life and the hand I’ve been dealt that I need to make success out of this mess. Easier said than done since it’s so much easier to drink and flop around like a bafoon than go to work and school and hone skills worthwhile to achieve my goals. I see why people give up become drunks, become homeless and greedy. Why the 1% are like they are. We are an ignorant society where despite the good in people we are weak and succumb to hopeless feats chasing after the next big thing distracted by entertainment and obsession. Even properly raised youth spill their guts just to receive a proper douche baggery trade off.

I can’t erase my past and how lost I’ve been and I hope I can find strength inside to keep me focused and smart. I am lower middle class with no end in sigth that leads me out of poverty and corporate slavery. No one to give me a hand up and get me out of debt from unwatched youthful mistakes, no one to show me step by step how to survive and then make something of myself. I am on my own.

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