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Posted by on 2011/11/28 under Uncategorized

I would rather he cheat on me than break up with me right now. I swear to God. I can’t handle rejection right now, I’m sick. Literally, I’m on so many pain meds right now. But he’s so honourable. He wouldn’t, he would do the right thing. But I’ll die if he breaks up with me, not really, but I’m teetering on a mental breakdown right now. I’ve been neglecting him.

I’m stuck in my own bubble. Everything in a perfect harmony of school, health, relationships, writing, everything was perfect until I start mindlessly chopping off some of those things, I didn’t even realize I haven’t talked to him in a week, and I know he’s going to break up with me.

I just wish he wouldn’t say those words. I’m negative, I want to be alone and yet I’m terrified of it at the same time.

I just wish we could go on with our separate lives, each of us believing the other is there but never doing anything, until we meet new people and mutually understand, but how can I tell him that? That’s horrible, what if he isn’t going to leave me and I do what I so often do and destroy everything on my own?

But I know he is, any day now. I love him so much as my best friend, that is what made it work for so long, he’s my best friend and I don’t want to lose that.

But if I have to choose between watching him be lonely with me or letting him go…?
I am successful without him, but happier with him…?

But I think we both know he’s better without me.
F***, I do love him. I love him with all that I am. I’ve never said that about someone before…
I love Ken, I love you. I just don’t know what kind of love it is.
And I wish so f***ing badly he could see this.

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