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Posted by on 2014/08/12 under Uncategorized

I am so afraid of settling. I’m terrified that I’ll settle for him and then 5, 20, 40 years down the road i’ll be like my parents- wondering what happened to all my dreams, living life as the shell of the person I used to be. I don’t want that. I want a life full of countless laughs, adventures, and friends. I want to see the world and not take anything too seriously, because i’m young and I can afford to do that. I want to make bad decisions but have the best memories. I want to spend all my money and travel Europe. I don’t want a career right now, and that’s okay. I’m 20, i’m pretty successful for my age, and I know that when I decide to settle into a career, I will prosper at it as well. But for now I just want to be me. I want to meet as many people as possible and discuss ideas. I want to see so many different cultures. I want to go to Haiti and kiss the faces of the children I love to dearly and had to leave behind. I want to discover myself, for lack of better words.

But there’s this boy who loves me.

His love is innocent and protective. He is kind and thoughtful.
He balances me. He thinks about money and the futures and people’s opinions and I am impulsive and free.
And while I love him, I can’t stand the thought of feeling this way forever.

He makes me so angry sometimes. If I want to travel Europe, don’t talk to me about how much money I’m going to have when I get back. No amount of money can buy me those memories. If I want to see a my favorite singer, please don’t tell me that we might have to be somewhere, we don’t have to be there. You just think it will look good. It’s okay if I talk to other boys. I can have all the friends I want and I don’t need your permission.

And please, please, stop cutting down my dreams just because you never learned how to have any. I don’t know when in your life you became so serious, but good lord just stop. Take a breath and live a little. It’s a good life and you’re not going to see that without taking a couple of chances.

I can’t decide if I want security and stability and softness or if I want passion and adventure and recklessness.

I feel like either way I’m breaking my own heart.

I don’t want to know “what if”. I want a life of “why nots”.

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