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Posted by on 2014/08/11 under Uncategorized

I thought everything was ok and that you didn’t care or was simply very used to the way I get depressed sometimes. I know you love me, you’re just unaffected by any of my tantrums thats all. Apparently not.

All I think about is how much I hurt, how much I feel sad, how I can’t seem to make you happier than you were in my imagination. Going round and round, around nothing. I never knew you felt emotion as well when I cried, because you never cried or look sad, just simply emotionless. And when you replied to my bawling, it was usually,”what else can I say?” or “ok”. For me, it was simply you didn’t care, didn’t even make an effort to explain. After crying each time and making up again, I never moved on hence history kept repeating itself because nothing was clear to me. You simply sat there, quiet- with your eyes rolling or simply turned off your phone, refusing to continue my tantrum with me. Every time I was done bawling, you would bring me out for some food, we ate and the world was right again. You stayed by me all these years even though I could never accept you as who you are.

And suddenly, today, after one of my usual tantrums, you voiced out, it felt weird.

With a firm determined voice, you asked me whether I wanted to ‘slow down our relationship’.

I thought to myself, this is it. The moment I’m most terrified about is coming true: the day that I have to see you walk away from me. and I know, it’s all because of me. Me and my bawling. Me and my complains. Me and my inability to overcome any sort of jealousy when it comes to you. You mean the world to me and I was about to lost my entire world in the blink of an eye. I was terrified at what I have done.

He said we shouldn’t be together if this is how it’s going to be. And my heart fell like a ton of bricks inside me. This is it. The first step to our break up. “Slow down”, “see someone a while”, “float apart”, “end”. wow. This. is. it.
I could feel my eyes watering up quickly.

He asked me what my problem is. For the first time in our relationship, he initiated The Talk. He opened the floor like he wanted this s*** sorted out. And since this might be the end, I might as well clear my doubts. Some which I couldn’t because it wasn’t even his problem. While we were talking, he looked serious. Each time I shot another question at him, his face would turned very annoyed but he would answer me as best as he can. After a few Minutes (to think all our pain is just caused by a few MINUTES of talk), I ran out of things to ask. To me, this was the end, perhaps he was just giving me a minute to clear my doubts before he ends my world, thank you very much. I said Im out of questions. And then there was silence. Why is there silence? Just end me now if you want to. I understand no guy can stand me.

After that heavy silence, which was slowly turning awkward….I piped out (because I was never cool enough to wait until the silence break itself), I piped out asking what his decision was? (or more appropriately, are you going to end me now? *terrified but Im prepared now -prepared as in… uh…. all my questions have been answered… so um… its all my own fault for bawling all these YEARs so um… I’ll um….die peacefully?-*)

His expression turned puzzled. He said its up to me, because as long as Im with him Im going to be like this. Can I live with this? He says he doesn’t have a problem. He’s asking me if I have a problem living like this, bawling every time I’m with him.

This stupid lovable man. At that moment it hit me. Each time I cried, I made him sad because in his mind he made me cry. He doesn’t think I can take it being by his side anymore. He loves me but he’s willing to let me go, if I want to go, so that I won’t be sad anymore. I never thought it bothered him. I always thought that he was so matured, just let me cry my eyes out, feed me and treat me like a child, another sunny day.

First I was shocked (is he initiating A Talk!?), then surprise (so he’s asking me if I can stand him!?), then felt touched (he’s worried I can’t stand being with him?), then rage.

Yes. Rage.

All my tears disappeared in an instant. How dare he look down on me like this? How dare he assume I can’t stand something to be with him!? He’s got a lot of guts saying s*** like this to me! In all my bawlings throughout all these years, I’ve never once wanted to break up or leave him. All I’ve ever done is worried and cry that we MIGHT break up or not be together anymore. IS HE TRYING TO ASK ME WHETHER I’LL USE MY OWN HAND TO KILL MYSELF? IS HE HIGH?

And it was full on Wrath Mode from there. (More like a puppy barking madly at a huge dragon who’s just expressionless.but you get the idea.) He was confident I wouldn’t choose to leave him but he said he had to. After more puppy barking, my tears came back in full flood again due to the intense relief I felt. And as usual, he brought us out for food after that.

Ugh emotions. Hate em.

By Little Miss Too Much In Love

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