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Posted by on 2014/08/08 under Uncategorized

i just have so much pain built inside me and i just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel everything. I suffer from loneliness daily, which rare because i’m actually in a very healthy and strong relationship for almost 2 years. So, i don’t know what the f*** is wrong with me but every chance i get i just want to cry and wish the pain would stop so i can breath and my head would stop pounding. I don’t have any siblings or first cousins, i learned everything by myself. I had no guidance except my my two aunts, my mom and my grandparents but they are all old and so hard to relate to. I just wish i had someone who UNDERSTOOD me and my challenges that i face everyday. I just wish someone saw threw my smile and just told me that it’s going to be o.k. and hug me and make me feel warm inside.I just sit in my room at night alone and think holy f*** haha what is this feeling. I’ve been hurt so much i can barely breath. I’m so guarded into thinking that no one actually likes me. It’s really hard for me to let people into my life because i just don’t want to give a s*** about them and then they f***ing hurt me or leave like i can’t take it. the pain is so intense and i hide it so well from everybody and it scares me into thinking how long i can this for before i crack or someone notices. my relationship with my mom is s***. we were once best friends till she got married while i was 5th grade. it changed my whole life and i never got my mom back after that. all we do now is bicker and fight and i hide things very well from her. For example, i’ve ad a girlfriend for almost a 1 year and 7 months and she doesn’t have the slightest clue. it really f***ing sucks keeping something so big from the people you love. I’m so happy with my girlfriend but it really does suck not being able to tell them. If i were to tell them, they wouldn’t shun me or anything they would just be so confused and hurt because they literally are the only people don’t know; our whole school knows, my girlfriends family knows, everybody knows. And to be honest i’m just not ready and i wish i was so i could stop with this hannah montana double life s*** because that’s what it feels like. i feel like im two different people with my family and when i’m with my friends. like im wearing masks or some s*** aha i dont know. but it f***ing sucks and its so tiring it drains you. its like the only real me comes out at night when im alone and depressed on life and i hate it. i just want to shut it off and make it stop but how? how do you take the pain of being cheated on and lied to stop? ill tell you one thing, you don’t. it’s probably the worst feeling you could ever experience; being so f***ing in love and finding out that it was just a lie. my god does my heart still hurt. its like i cant do anything without thinking or comparing myself to “her”. my girlfriend has put me through so much pain that i’m not even sure im human and i f***ing HATE myself for loving her. but she is the one haha crazy i know but she’s the one i swear. she brings out the best in me and she’s honestly the reason why i’m still alive and breathing today. i can not live without her and i can’t lose her ever again.

One thought on “haha i dont even know

  1. Carly says:

    i understand you!you just must to talk with your mum, say that you miss her,that u miss talks with her and etc. i promise u, what it works. anything gonna be alright. you should look into yourself, and say to yourself what u r okay, anything is okey.. and all will be okey for the long,long time 🙂

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