Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2014/08/06 under Uncategorized

Break-ups are horrible. Bearing in mind this is the first time my heart has been broken, I can now sympathise with everyone who has had their heart ripped out by the one they love. Unless you’ve found new love, you still love the one who put you through an indescribable pain. It’s funny because heartbreak is quite literal; I actually felt my heart stop working for the following weeks after you ended it, and with that, every other organ just didn’t function.
Now, I’m not sure what is harder, the fact that I still love you and I am not going to give up on us or the fact that a few weeks before it happened, you messaged me “Night, I love you xxx” every night before you went to bed without fail. No warning sign, no alibi, we faded faster than the speed of light.

It’s now been 3 months since you decided you “don’t love me anymore” and yet, stupidly, I still love you. No. I am still in love with you. I know it’s not because I am lonely and just miss you. Or that I miss sharing things with you. Yes, I miss you. But I know what love is; you showed me and I couldn’t have been happier. I know this is love and the fact you say you don’t love me anymore and say that it’s not what you want, eats me alive. Ok, by all means do what makes you happy and do things for yourself if that’s what you want to do. Take into account, however, your actions. Yes, don’t doubt your decision if it upsets others, do it if it makes you happy. That’s what you said you did anyway. And… are you happy? I remember the day you left like it was yesterday and you were most certainly not happy. Heck, you cried more than I did and I was the one being told I wasn’t loved. You say you love me as a friend and want nothing more than to remain friends. Obviously I agreed to that, I was weak and couldn’t comprehend the fact of losing you for good. But it has been 3 months and my god am I stupid. You’ve won. I don’t want to be your friend. Friends do not make friends upset. Friends do not rip out hearts and crush every goal and dream of a person. Christ, if anything, we should be enemies.

But we both know I’m not that person. I have qualities of a pacifist. I don’t want to fight you. I do however, want to fight for you. You may have ended it with me, but I’m not gunna let that get to me. No matter how many times you say to stop fighting or that we will never get back together, I am going to fight. That’s who I am. I don’t fight unless it’s for something I love. And you are what I love.

Now. That is going to be hard. Anyone wanting to get back the one they love is going to be hard. Difference is, I don’t care what it takes to call each other ours again, I am going to do it. Anything. I’m not begging or pleading. I’ve already done that and it drove you away even further. I’m playing it cool, letting you think I’m your friend, I’m going to talk to you, in time, I’m going to get you alone and we’re gunna have a amazing time. Just… By… Talking. I’m going to remind you of me, show you parts of the new me and show you how I can be what you want. You said I was for a year and 3 months, why the sudden change? You said it wasn’t me. So what happened? You don’t just lose feelings for someone like that. Especially from all the things I’ve helped you with and saved you with.

I get the feeling it’s because you’ve been talking to someone else. You think he’ll do what I didn’t. But you say I didn’t do anything wrong, so why the break up? You say you don’t know what you want because you’re only 18 but then say that I wasn’t what you wanted. I blame the films you watch. I blame the idea of love you have in your head and the idea of real love in the real world. They’re not the same. You are not gunna find someone with the exact same wants as you, and when you do, you’ll grow tired of each other. There will be no challenges, no differences.

Now I’m not sure what’s harder…
Continuing to fight for you when you can’t even give me one minute of your day when we used to give each other our whole weeks.
Or
To just give up on what I love. Stop chasing my dream. See, most people would say take this option and find someone else. What they don’t know is that, during our time together, you got me into the mindset of chasing your dreams and to never give up on something you want and go out and get it. You, saying that’s what it is attractive; going out and achieving the goals you want is now the same person saying to stop doing that. Yet you continue yours and you leave me for dead. Now, because of you, I’m in the mindset to not give up on my goals.
So what do I do?

I have been through every mental emotion in these past 3 months, quicker than I have in my whole life. My mother even said “What’s happend to you? You used to be such a happy boy”. Yeah. That hurt. You caused it. But my mum was right. I was so happy, I didn’t know what sadness or hurt was when I was with you. Then BAM. I now don’t know what happiness feels like. I don’t know what hunger feels like, I don’t know what even being content with something feels like. I am hurt. I am broken. I’m glad you’re happy and I’m also not. The fact I’m not the reason for your happiness anymore shatters my heart into a million more pieces. You say your only wish is to see me happy but I don’t remember how, especially when you were the only reason for it.

-Depression
-Anger
-Love
-Lust
-Confusion
-Anxiety
Rinse & Repeat. That’s what a break up is. People will offer to help, but it won’t. Help yourself. I have been and I am slowly getting there. That doesn’t mean shutting everyone off. Seeing people is the best thing you can do. Just keep things to yourself unless they insist. The less people involved, the better. Only you know what’s going on in your head, explaining it will be too hard.
Now, I’m still at the stage where I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. Oh God how I want to, if only that light will lead me back to her. Whether it’s a month away, a year away or even more. I know this is who I want to place the ring on.
Sure I accept that we will both love different people and I may not be able to achieve my goal, I accept that. But I’m not going to stop, I just can’t and don’t want to.
I hope you see this and I also hope you don’t. It could either make you upset and drive you further away or it could make you think twice about things.

I’d also love people’s view on my situatuion.
Feel free to come into contact with me as well.

– J.C (UK)

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