Love Work Family Friends Games Kids Life

Posted by on 2014/08/05 under Uncategorized

fed up with all this constant argueing and fighting, we hate each other. ive known this since i was seven and you used to come into my room at night with the smell of alcohol onn your breath and tell me how much of an annoyance i was, how incosiderate i was to others in the family, the important ones. I cant say my life is ruined because you are in it, on the contrary, we have had some delightful memories, but for me, they all seem to fade to fast as the side to you only i am ever able to see comes out when we are alone, you look at me like prey everyday. you dont hesitate to run to dad the minute you presume ive done something wrong, and thats not fair. you exaggarate everything, and its not only me that has seen you try and turn my own family against me? my grandparents, aunts and uncles dont talk to me, i just dont fit in with this family i have. is it fair that i was born into such dysfunction that its all i know? im going to be eighteen a week from this day today, and it will be the second time i have moved out this year. you make it no secret that you do not want me in the house, the only one in the family including my sister to live and stay with both biological parents and you have succeeded in making me feel like a second class citizen, an outsider in my own home, my apparent place of safety. when i was 14 you got my father to phone social services and have me removed from your house, as my attitude and behaviour had become more than a problem, i was dangerous. i was a fourteen year old girl whos father had not said that he loved her in well over six years, i was using drugs and drinking my way through highschool. at that age everything you do with your friends is cool. i initiated into a strange kind of ‘colony’, earning my blade and ink tattoo on my stomach at 13 for fighting and stealing, not the way i was raised. i think all i even wanted to write coming here was the resentment i have for the woman whom gave me this life, who showed me through years of hidden alcoholism that its possible to be a good parent and a bad one at the same time, a woman whom i have wanted noothing more than to feel ‘in sync’ with, a mother should be your best friend, worst enemny, sibling and teacher all in the one go, but when yours is trying to feel your butt in bed when your nine and shes that drunk shes got vomit on her tshirt, and you have to abandon your own bed and sleep on the sofa downstairs to get away from her, then face her in the morning when she eventually realises you got out of bed and went donstairs? urgh i hate this life, it not the life i wanted and i cant handle it anymore, ive been living in an organised chaos all my life and theres not alot left keeping me going, i wouldnt commit suicide though, i have tried in the past. several times actually, with two being very nearly succesful. my proudest achievements, nnearly dying in that hospital bed, unable to see the people infront of me whilst my blood started thinning and my heart spasmed as the large box of antidepressents i had stolen were swallowed, digested and broken up by my now scarred liver and kidneys. i dont think i deserve to be treated the way i am. from the outside it looks like im mentally ill, saying all of this, but truth is the whole family keep it well hidden its a family secret that we will all take to the grave with us, i dont want to be the weirdo of the family, but i hate the woman that i have to call a mother from the tips of my toes to the ends of the hair on my head i really do. she will always be my mother, but for te pain that i have to deal with and suffer from and go through on a daily basis, the lies i have to follow and tell, the way we treat each other when nobody is around is disgusting, but i want you to know that i am seventeen years ad fiftyone weeks old, and i only have another week to wait before i can stand up on my own two feet and not let a single thing you have to say interfere with what i want to do with my life. i have been moved about houses sent to live with strangers, been in and out of care, lived in secure units and faced jail because of the chaos in my head that will not go away, the voices that sound like you, constantly reminding me im not good enough, that im useless because i quite my job and had to live in a hostel because you put me out at sixteen , i dont need that sort of attitude in my life, i am more than capable of succeeding inlife but the more you tell me i can do it the more i despise you for judging me, life is not meant to be judged, it is meant to be lived, and the only person living my life is me, so even though yes you are my mother, you will not have any control over the life i choose to lead from now on, because if you were not there to help me when i needed it most in the past years, i am not here to lie for you now. im not your sick little emotional punching bag anymore, i am nearly a grown woan, whos life is organised chaos because of you. i am not prepared to feel the resentment i feel when i think of you eve agian, so i am done. my life is one giant oxymoron and i have finally made the decision that i am brave enough to go out there and grab it by the horns, and go with it wherever it decides to take me, without you!!

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