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Posted by on 2014/08/03 under Uncategorized

I feel like all the joy in my life is gone. My whole life seems like such an empty shell of what it used to be, and I just don’t know what to do.

Several months ago, I terminated a dangerous, abusive relationship with my ex fiancĂ©. I knew it would be for the best in the long run, but now I feel worst than I did in the beginning. I cannot move on from this man I have loved most of my life, and it seems like everything I do is haunted by memories of all the good things him and I have shared. I can’t sleep, and when I do, I see his face in my nightmares. He plagues my every thought and I f***ing hate it.

In response to this horrific breakup, I have broken down- resorting to negative coping methods that in turn, could ruin my life further. I try to get high in order to forget about him- but he haunts me even then. I drink to try and run away from it all, and yet he’s still there. I f*** guys and girls who offer to try and move on, but the sex still leads me back to thinking of him. And I just don’t know how to stop.

I wish I had someone to turn to, but he was the only person I could ever go to. I keep all these negative emotions inside, and I try not to burst. I fake a smile, and it hurts so much to pretend. I desperately want to feel happy again, but there’s nothing there to help me get through this.

I feel so alone.

The few others I know who I’ve tried to entrust my problems in are too wrapped up in themselves to even care about my situation, and that is so incredibly frustrating. Because of this, I’ve started isolating myself even more, but that doesn’t help in the least.

All my hobbies and every little thing I used to enjoy interests me little now. I just cannot do anything but try to keep my emotions in, and my god is that hard. Even the world seems much darker now that I terminated my engagement. I don’t want to do anything anymore.

I had known this man I was engaged to for so many years prior to this, I would have never thought that he would have been the one to hurt me so. It kills me on the inside to know that the love of my life is also the reason it feels like my life is ending- like my life is crumbling into this dark decadence that cannot be avoided. What a cruel world this is for me to feel this way.

The last words he said are burned into my mind. Those hateful words feel like they are etched into stone. And these words have ruined me.

Is this what hell feels like? I feel like I’m drowning, and with every breath I feel like I’m being pulled further under. I know I’ve had big problems that have pulled me under before, but this is just on a scale far grander than anything else I’ve ever dealt with. I’m worried I cannot get out of this.

And I’m sorry for those who read this. I apologise for wasting your time by my mindless ranting and b****ing. I just needed to pour my feelings out somewhere. And I’m sorry if I come off as just another whiny c*** with first world problems.

One thought on “Feeling Lost and Hopeless

  1. You're Not Alone says:

    I just wanted to tell you that I can understand what you’re going through from personal experience, to a limited extent. I know it’s hard to try erase someone from your life, a person who you thought was everything. At the moment, I’m similarly having trouble sleeping because of a somewhat similar situation in terms of bad endings and hurtful words stinging me. I realized though that we can’t wallow in our real life nightmares. Life has cruely dealt us these cards for a reason and at this moment, we have to live for ourselves first and although we’ll still feel a pang in our chests when a memory surfaces- that’s okay. The good comes with the bad, so now that the bad has passed all we need to do is be strong and patient.

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