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Posted by on 2014/07/30 under Uncategorized

It’s Not What You Think
July 29, 2014, 10:37 PM. It was a normal Tuesday night and I was just sitting in my room waiting for something to happen as the night went on. My sister, just a foot away. typing away on her phone giggling at something I would never know about cause I didn’t want to ask. My mom walked into the room talking to the cat that was lying at the foot of my bed.
“Are you hanging out with the girls?” She asked my cat in a baby voice, which I found very annoying at times and funny at others, but right then I was just trying to ignore her. 
I was looking at Instagram photos when I saw a photo of him. Not on his profile but one of his friends. He was standing in the background, but it didn’t matter because as soon as I saw the picture I knew that he was in it. I thought about liking the picture, but then ruled against it thinking it might be strange when I didn’t really know anyone else in it. As I scrolled past I was hoping not to see anymore pictures of him because I was trying not to think of him. I never wanted to fall in love with anyone after my first love in 6th grade went so wrong, but I found myself giving in as I went to find his profile to look at his pictures.
I scrolled through to my favorite one, which wasn’t hard to find cause he only had 11 pictures. It was a picture of him with one of his friends after one of their baseball games, him and his friend trying so hard to look like thugs, he had his tongue out while his friend held up a peace sign. He was so beautiful, he had blonde hair and the perfect blend of blue/green eyes, just looking at his face made me blush. I was no match for his extreme beauty as I was tall, skinny, and awkward. I was pretty but not to his standards and because I was taller I knew I had no chance.
I had the opportunity to talk to him often since he was on the guys basketball team and I was on the girls. I knew he didn’t like me from the start since I was so bad at basketball. I had been on the jv2 team for freshman and sophomore year and just now, the summer before junior year, was I on the varsity summer team. He was a year younger and already his freshman year he was swinging for varsity. I had always felt like an idiot in front if him, not knowing how to act or what to say. I was almost always sad when I went home after practice hoping I didn’t seem like a lost cause, but I probably was. 
When I would see him smiling I couldn’t help but smile, he only did when he was around his friends not around me. And whenever I looked at his pictures on Instagram of him smiling I found myself asking why it wasn’t for me. I always knew the answer
He is too good for you. The words repeated in my head thousands of times daily. And as I thought them I would start to tear up. Why me? Why did I have to feel this way about a person who will never feel the same? The questions piled up in my head like garbage at a dump, but I had no answer.
I reassured myself that I couldn’t help the way I felt about him that it was just a passing faze that would eventually die down. The last one took me so long to forget I didn’t know what to expect. And this time it felt different I was trying so hard not to fall in love that I think it made me fall faster. 
And the thing that made me sure he would never love me back was that the he I was talking about was actually a she. 

One thought on “It’s Not What You Think

  1. physmer says:

    You never know until you try, but at that age… I can understand the fear and worry, and anxiety… And often despite knowing, never trying, feels safe… Even if she had a boyfriend, if you truly loved her, befriend her, not with awful intent, but honestly want to be her friend, because the greatest love can stem from the simplest of friendships…. Because people grow and change with time, even as friends, with time, all things take certain shapes, but when young those shapes are still only partially complete so it’s difficult to see the whole picture, yes love hurts, it always will, even the loves with happy endings, every great love comes with anxiety and compromise and loss, but in the end so much more is gained… But nothing is in concrete… Futures are not set in stone, and things that once were, will be no more, and if all that fails, no worries, all human emotion and memory fade and dull with time… Never is a strong word…

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