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Posted by on 2011/10/05 under Uncategorized

Have you ever hurt so bad for someone else, you sit there shaking and can’t stop it? I want to help. I want to fix everything for him. But he’s stuck.

You know, some people think depression is just sadness. It’s more than that. It affects every part of you. It is an actual medical ailment. But it cages you. You can’t see the good inside yourself. You can’t see the good you’ve done in the world.

He has so many people who care about him. So many people who need him. So many people he has helped. He is one of the most selfless people I have ever met. But all he can think about is all the times he’s hurt someone.
All the hurt in the world. All the pain and sorrow.

The things weighing down on him are unimaginable.

Sometimes he just breaks down. He wants to be gone. He’s told me that sometimes he wishes he just didn’t exist. The only reason he’s alive right now is because he’s afraid of the pain he’ll cause for those he’ll leave behind.

Can you imagine it? Not wanting to be alive? Feeling so stuck and hurt and weighted that all you want is escape? I still have nightmares about him sitting all alone in his room with a tomato knife.

I can’t take seeing him like this. It kills me to see him in pain. He’s my brother. I don’t care if we’re not related, he’s my brother all the same. And I’ve stayed up talking with him until 5 in the morning before. I’ve been there with him at some of his worst times. I’ve talked him out of it. I’ve kept him going for another day. But I’m so scared he’s going to fall. I can’t let that happen.

I promised him.

I promised him that someday it will be better, that he’ll get there. That I’ll help him through every step of the way.

I am always going to be there for him.

God, help me.

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