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Posted by on 2011/09/11 under Uncategorized

Write your thoughts/feelings here…How am I supposed to put my feelings away. What are my feelings? I really don’t even know anymore. So lost and afraid. Do I love him or him? Maybe I have fallen out of love with both and am just around for my own security. Is love even real? What if its a lie? I know I need to believe in things I can’t see. Have faith and all that good stuff. I need to trust in God and believe that if I live life walking God’s path that I will succeed and find my answers. I do believe this firmly. It is just easier said than done.
When me and my boyfriend/fiance fight it seems like I need to just give it up and walk away, but I can’t cause of my children and finacial situation. Then when “he” comes along and says nice things to me I feel young and alive again. Then I eventually see that all he wants is one thing from me and I feel lost and alone even more than before. Also, of course, when “he” starts talking to me my boyfriend/finace starts being nice and acting like he actually cares. No he doesn’t no that “he” is talking to me so I do not know how it always happens this way. Now “he” isn’t so chatty and my heart is dwindling back to the beginning I go. The happiness will come, then the fighting, then possibly “he” or a different “he” will come along and make me feel how I want to feel and I will screw up all over again. Why is this my life? How do I get out of it? I let myself fall for a man at a young age just to be stuck at 21 with 2 children and a boyfriend/fiance that isn’t the worst guy ever at all. He can actually be pretty great but for some reason I just can’t always get past the bad fights and my own feelings deep down. Also I’m stuck in a town I looke forward to leaving behind when I was younger. My family is not the best and has no compassion for anybody but themselves. My mom tries but she isn’t normal due to circumstances of the past. So I have myself to blame for not getting out of here and for letting myself become tied to this place. I knew my whole life almost that my family wasnt going to do me any good and I knew I had to make my own path. What have I done? Forever will hang my head in shame for the mistakes I have made but I will do this in private. My children will not know how much I wanted a different life for myself. It is not their fault and I don’t ever want them to think it is. These are my problems and my consequences. I wonder if I am able to change my life. If that is something I am capable of doing. I need a plan laid out for me which again takes me back to having faith in God’s plan for me. Which at this point I have done a pretty crappy job of following.
How do you choose between your own personal happiness and whats best for everyone around you?

3 thoughts on “11-09-11(7:43:55)

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