Posted by Anonymous on 2013/05/13 under Uncategorized I don’t know where I’m heading. I have great grades, wonderful friends, a happy family, and honestly shouldn’t have anything to complain about. It makes me mad that I would have a reason to say so otherwise.
The grades. To me, I don’t think they mean that much. They do mean a lot to my parents though. But, I feel the better I do, the more pressure there is. The more expectations there are. Be first. You’re so close. It’s only one away, we know you can do it. But, no. That would be great sure, but why do I need to? Why would I want to? Just to make everyone’s expectations come true? Even with all of the pressure, I can’t help but procrastinate because I’m trying to think of why I’m trying. I’m even procrastinating right now as I write this.
I love seeing other people smile. It makes me smile. I don’t know much of anything else that does. I’ve realized that I’m like that for a while now, and decided that maybe I should try to limit the amount of people I’m around when I do that. I turn into a person who just lives to make everyone happy. People want positive feedback, they don’t want negativity. But, they also want honesty. They don’t want the actual honesty, only partial honesty. I guess I might be like that too, but I like facts. I can deal with facts. Anyways, I guess I think that if I have less people around me that I’m close with, I don’t need to turn into that. I have maybe one friend who I don’t do that with, the rest I’m unsure of who I am in front of them. So, basically I don’t intend to get married, raise kids, have a family of any sort, nor be in a relationship with anyone.
I don’t know how to handle relationships, nonetheless friendships with girls. Btw, I am a guy, and am also straight. I have a lot of “friends” who are girls, but I sometimes have trouble getting my hormones straight. I become really good friends with a girl. & then someone goes and suggests it. “Hey, so, you like her don’t you?” I answer no. Then about a week later or so, I think I might like her immensely. What’s wrong with me? Shouldn’t this whole hormone imbalance, puberty thing be over by now? My voice changed and I started growing facial hair in 7th grade. I’m a sophomore in hs now. Isn’t five years enough? Again, off topic.
I thought she might be different. She was unlike any girl that I had befriended before. She’s a little less than a year older than me. A junior, I might add. She is everything. Smart, funny, athletic, and beautiful. I’m not, but we were still great friends. I accepted that she could be that one friend whose a girl, that I could honestly be good friends with for a long time, if not forever. I don’t honestly know what happened. It was her birthday and so she invited me over to her house to spend it with her and her family. It was great and I pretty much fell in love with her entire family. I was the only one she invited as a friend and I felt horrible to not be able to do more for her birthday. I couldn’t do anything more about it though. The day went on and I eventually asked her the question that had been bugging me, did she have fun? I got a yes. After that day, we’ve barely talked. & Its killing me.
I have a lot of work from school and other stuff to worry about so I’ve been avoiding thinking about it, but I’ve been needing to get it off of my chest. Its wrong for me to just avoid it like that. I need to talk to her. Hang out with her. Do something to make it right, because I don’t know what to do. Is she okay, though? Fine with not talking at all for almost a month, even though we used to talk every day? She might just be that mad at me.
With everything, I just want to feel happy.
This probably was just a blur of only semi-coherent thoughts. This is my brain right now. There’s more, but I’m kind of scared to see how much more I’d write and how much time I’d end up taking away from work.
So thanks for giving me somewhere to write!