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Posted by on 2013/05/05 under Uncategorized

i dont know where to start, my life is just so difficult. im not saying i live the hardest life out in the world because i do have shelter, food and clothing. ive got everything i need to survive. its just i hate my mother but at the same time somewhere in my heart i love her but i cant bring myself to admit it. she has done so many things to me in the past that i cant forgive at all. she cheated on my step dad with 2, 3 guys i don’t know, but one thing for sure i know she cheated. to be honest she is the worst mother ever. i have 2 half brothers and a cousin who i call my sister because her mother my uncles girlfriend had her when she was here in new zealand studying and she was young at the time and she couldn’t tell her parents because they would have freaked out so she planned on leaving her baby, my cousin, with some of her friends but my mother said no because she was blood and she couldn’t let some strangers take care of her blood so she adopted her also because my uncle, her younger brother, couldn’t particularly take care of a baby all by himself. anyway her mother still keeps in touch and sends money so its all good. but the thing is ive got 3 younger siblings all below the age of 10 right. and she expects me to look after them since i am the oldest. i am 15 turning 16 in a couple of months. i cook, i clean and im basically a second mother to them three. there was a time for like a whole year when she went out every single day and expected me to look after them, i cooked them food cleaned the house and also had to fit my school stuff into all of that. at school i am in one of the top classes so my teachers expect me to do good. at school i aam known as a really bubbly, outgoing and loud girl but to be honest thats all a facade i am constantly depressed and i think of the darkest things. i hate myself and i hate life. everynight i ust want to sleep and never wake up again. i think about suicide constantly and i know if i really cant take life anymore i can do it but i cant . one because even tho i may hate my siblings i love them and i could never do that to them when i leave i dont know what will happen to them. i will scar them for life and i dont think i could ever do that too them and two cause i am scared. my step dad is a wonderful dad i love him, i love him more than my biological mother and yes it may sound sad but its true hes brought me up as one of his own and he is just amazing. he does everything he can to support our family and he is our income. sometimes he has to spent weeks away from home to work so it’ll just be me my mother and siblings at home and guess who looks after them and cleans ? me. yeah. me . our house has never been the cleaniest but i try my best to keep it clean. my mother in a very long time hasnt even touch the vacuum or tried to clean anything in the house the occasional when my dad finally comes home she’ll cook a home meal but other than that nothing. she is always cooped up in her room and she locks the door. and when i ask her why she says she doesnt want to be annoyed. BULLCRAP. shes on the ohone to some a****** of hers. and whenever i tell her she isnt being a mother to me or her children she yells at me and says i have no right to be saying that as i am younger and her daughter not the other way around and i just have to deal with it . i cry almost everynight. and i just cant help it i feel like no ones there for me even tho im popular at school. sometimes i go to school crying and just sit there talking to my form teacher and cry cry and cry even more and i end up not even going to class. my teacher knows most things but i hide some things away fmrom her because i am scare she’ll call someone and my life will change. and if my personal lifeisnt crazy enough my love life is too. this guy i like him alot but i dont know if i love him or not. and he says he loves me a lot like for 3 and a half years now, and i know he is for real even tho he goes slutting it up with other girls but he has always said he loved me. i know its hard to understand but everyone knows he loves me and tells me to give him a chance but i just can’t i know i want to be with him in the future like marry him but right now i just cant. i know one day hell leave me thats why. argh this isnt even the beginning of my life, ive still got so much to write but i need to stop before i end up writing forever. his whole thing my be confusing but i just wrote whatever came to mind. im sorry you dont need to continue reading….

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