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Posted by on 2013/05/04 under Uncategorized

I can only wish. there r many things in my life tht have made me suffer. u asked me one day y i was such a nice person – its bcoz i have suffered a lot in my life. the nicest ppl r usually the ones tht have suffered the most in life. the way u understand me is amazing. only K (my ex) has been able to understand me that well. u can tell when im upset, angry, happy etc. i have known a lot of ppl in my life. i have a lot of frnds, but all i want is u. it sounds really cheesy and desperate but idc. yeah, mayb im desperate, clingy, needy, i know im not perfect. i make alot of mistakes and im sorry for that. and at this point in time, i dont even care if i sound like really desperate. i have always wanted somoemne like u in my life. i wish….but i guess not. i will never force u to do anything, thats why im writing here instead of telling u all this. i loved u, love u and always will. “there is always one person in everyones lives, who no matter how much they hurt u, no matter how much time has passed, if they say i love u, u will say it right back.” well in my life that person is u. no one will be able to ever replace you. i dont know why im writing this all down,but i just want to get it out. i wish i could have known the problem better and then i might have been able to actually fix it. i know what u used as an excuse to break up might be the real reason, but there is definetly more to the story than tht. i just wanna feel ur warm body against mine, i just wanna hold u close to me and never ever ever let go. i just wanna hug u tight forever. i just wanna…..i can only keep wishing. even right now, in the bottom of my heart, i have alot of hope to see tht message frm u that might never come. i wish u would understand this situation. i love u. i miss u. i wonder how long i will be able to bear the pain. im stupid in many ways, im extremely sensitive too, but thats just the way i am. i have nobody in my life. my parents dont even care abt me. when i told them i was extremely depressed, u know what they said, “ok, whatever u r feeling is ok, just make sure it doesnt affect ur grades”. all my so-called friends are only there to use me and nothing else. im suffering from extreme depression(not diagnosed) and suicidal thoughts everyday. for one second, i even considered just jumping in front of a car today. i dont know y im writing this down right now, just feeling like it i guess. and yeah, i know u probably dont want to be with me, bcoz who would love/care abt a person like me? its okay….actually its not okay at all, it f***ing sucks. theres a like a big hole in my heart right now, and i feel like a part of me is missing. i dont know what to do. im feeling absolutely terrible. i just want to disappear from my life and never appear again. i just want to not have feelings again. i know if u ever read this, u will be disgusted by me, but its ok, whatever, its not like u even care abt me anymore. u dont even look at me, or if u do, u dont even smile and not even a simple “hey”. i wonder if trusting u was a mistake on my part, but whatever i trusted u when u said u love me, and tht u care abt me. i told u my fears didnt i? well my biggest one was this one: im afraid of losing u. im afraid tht from one day onwards i will never ever rexceive a mssg from u, and from one day i wil never hear ur voice agn. i guess tht day has arrived :'( . i have always hoped that it would never come, but u made it come. ur name is one more name added to list of ppl that i care abt a lot but who dont give a rat’s ass abt me. im not mad at u. im disappointed, G. i never thought u would break me in this way. i trusted u. i fell for u. i decided u were more important to me than other ppl. whatever. all im saying is i expected u to be a better person than this. u have been acting like a c*** and a b**** these last few weeks. i expected more frm u than this. i dont know if i ever want u to read this, half i wish u would, and half i wish u wouldnt. whatever let fate decide. i dont even care abt anything anymore. actually i do care, i care so f***ing much. i wonder if u ever even think abt me. i know im ugly as f***, so u prob dont. i wonder what the future holds, but i know i am just going to snap one day. one day, the pain and the suffering is going to reach a limit, and i wll be gone. thats what i want to happen right now actually. i just want to disappear from my life right now. i just want to disappear from this world and never appear again. i dont want to face all this problems in my life alone. i am tired. of it all. im tired of trying so hard in everything i do and still failing. im tired of being hurt everytime. im tired of finally being happy abt something and that goes away.

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