Posted by Anonymous on 2013/02/11 under Uncategorized GOD?! if your there, speak to me! ive been sitting here waiting and listening but i hear nothing. i feel nothing. i feel like an empty shell of a human being without you! i dont know where to find you, i dont know what to do anymore you set me on this journey and im walkign down the path but its really rocky and i keep tripping and falling and its HURTS! i dont know how to express these things youve shown me, these gifts youve given me are so large, my little hands cant hold onto them, i keep dropping the ball man, im scared. im scared that i wont be able to make it.im scared that im not enough for your great gifts. im scared that i wont make it out alive, im here on this earth to love, i know that. but how can i love someone else when i dont love myself. i have these extreme thoughts and feelings that consume my every action. they arent me!!! what have you done to me? what have you given me?! its a gift and a curse, a curse that destroys my life, i dont know what the hell is going on anymore. my brain is scattered to the 4 corners of the earth and i cant seem to find the peices to put them back together. you know where they are and you know how to find them so i just ask that you help me…. please…. i need your help. i need your guidance, i need your wisdom because i feel liek a fool. a fool that put his faith in you and is expecting some kind of return… ive given my all to you, ive given everything i know to you, who i was, who i am going to be, and yet im still stuck here in this hole i dug for myself and i dont know how to get out, i dont know where im going i dont know where to look for you, i feel like you left me, but i know you didnt… i just dont know how to find you God. im lost on this earth with no direction. i need direction. i know you have some for me, i know you have big plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. but holy s*** does it feel like im broken beyond all repair. i have these HUGE dreams, dreams of making music for you and the masses, dreams of gloving for you and the masses, and makign art for you and the masses, but every time i put my hand in those gloves or put that pen to the paper, a jumbled mess comes out…. its all there, i just dont know how to harness the raw power youve given me, i know youve given me GREAT gifts, of wonderful proportions i just dont know how to use them!!!! teach me! TEACH ME! i need to know how to do these thigns or im going to go insane, literally. its like every fiber of my being wants to express this energy inside but my body cant handle it. i dont have the right tools. give me the right tools lord. teach me in the ways of the spirit, because i know these gifts are spiritual gifts, the immensity of them are too big for normalcy. they are supernatural, and i asked for the supernatural. and youve given me the supernatural…. and i am supernatural, this whole place is supernatural and youve given me the gifts of seeing thsi place as it really is, supernatural. now teach me how to walk in the supernatural. teach me how to express the supernatural. teach me how to live the life youve led me into. this life chose me, you chose me. now i need to know how to live it. because im doing something wrong here, im screwing up a lot of stuff here, i feel so close yet so far…. but in your time not mine…. F*** cmon!!!!! ive been patient, ive pulled myself so damn thin i cant move. ive pushed myself to the point of insanity. i feel insane! im 19years old and i feel 80. nobody my age understands the roads ive walked down, nobody understand the darkness ive seen and trials ive faced… ive walked through hell and back on many occasions and you know that, you walked the whole way with me. even though i dont feel you or see you i know your here with me RIGHT NOW! i feel isolated, i feel alone, i feel helpless and hopeless with no sense of return like a wandering nomad who wont see home until death… i need some sort of encouragement here. i need a light in this darkness im in…. you say the music i listen to is bad for me but its the only thing that makes sense to me right now. its the only way i can feel. ive become so hard and cold, i forgot how to feel, i forgot how to love… theres so much love inside me its bubbling up but somethign is stopping it, like a spiritual dam inside my heart. i cant express what i feel inside, theres so much light and yet theres an equivelant of evil/. so much darkness inside me, i might burst, its eating at me and tears at my soul, raking at the walls of my heart. ripping it apart, i dont know if ill have any heart left after this wilderness im in. i need to get out of here, i need to escape from this hell im in, this hell that goes with me wherever i go, it follows me like a black cloud striking me with lighting every time i feel happiness its like “NOPE!” *ZAP* and im back in this stupid f***ing rut ive been in for years. pull me out of this. PLEASE SAVE ME!!! im lost scared and confused on the daily, there are moments of light that peak through and those are all i can hold onto because everytrhign else is a lie my whole life is a perpetual cage im stuck in… i feel like this isnt my body, i feel like i dont belong in this world. i feel lost. is this some sick game youve prepared for me?? cuz if it is im not having fun at all.. you told me you would never leave me or forsake me… but what is this? what the hell is going on with me?! WHERE ARE YOU?!!!!!! what are you doing in my life? where is my hope, im graspign at straws here,im only doing what i know best and thats not very much. what can i say to make this end, what can i say to move on? what do i do to pull out of this race im in? ive been through rehab after rehab and ive changed my life a multitude of times for YOU, and you honor that. you see everything i do, the good and the bad, and you love me just the same. i want more than this life, i want to be more than this, i want to be better than this, i want to be bigger than this, i want to be stronger than this, i want to be alive again! i want to feel freedom again. i want YOU, i need YOU!i want you to answer my prayers, all the prayers ive ever prayed, from the deepest part of my heart i ask that you answer me. remove this fog from over my eyes so i can see clearly again, i want to be able to express my feelings, i want to break out of this cacoon. i want to be the man youve called me to be, im ready to throw it all away for your sake, youve called me for great things and great things are all i want, i want to be one of the top glovers in your kingdom, i want to make the best music man can make, and i want the wife youve prepared for me. i know shes out there right now, thinking the same thing…. where is my perfect counterpart. where is my future love of my life. i want to be with her now, i ache for her, i yearn to be apart of her life, i want to provide for her and protect her from all harm, i will do whatever it takes God…. im tired of waiting, im tired of sitting here with no direction, ive asked for direction, ive asked for guidance, and ive asked for you. WHERE ARE YOU??????????????…. where am i? what am i doing? where am i going? how do muster the strength to break free of this spiritual cacoon. im ready, i want to be ready. make me ready. give me the strength to break free and jump into this world running full tilt to the place youve set out for me, send me on my way, im ready for the great things youve promised me, im ready to hold them even if they are too heavy i will use all my strength even if it kills me. i dont want anything else except what youve given me., i dont want this world. i dont want what i used to want, my desires have changed along with everythign i stand for. im a changed man through you. and that is TRUE, keep growing me in the ways of the spirit, even though its hard im the man for the job, nobody else can do what weve done, ive earned my stripes. ive learned many thingsbut i know you still have more for me to learn. and im ready to learn those lessons. you never said this life would be easy, infact you told me it was going to take everything i had to make it through… well here i am, hit me with all you got, cuz i can handle it. i can handle whatever life throws at me because i have you. i have the strength youve given me and are going to give me. im ready for the trials of this life, im ready to face it head on, just give me the strength and the guidance when the time comes and you can count on me to do it, even though i will fail attimes i have the ability to get back up and thats what ill do. i will fight for you, until the very end. i will stand with my head held high.