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Posted by on 2018/12/10 under Kids

GOD,

I am in the living room of the INS headquarters.

I am in bed and feeling the tickling penis that was from the childhood we had.

I feel embarassed and like all these people can hear my thoughts.

I feel like all the thoughts I have are evil. Like I can't have one non-evil thought.

How do I get out of here?

Is this point to accept that there is not getting out?

How the f*** can I accept that?

Embarassment seems to be a really huge dominating theme for me. Fear of embarassment. Is this what Tom Cruise was afraid of in EYES WIDE SHUT? Being embarassed in front of everyone in the big Masonic room?

I feel like they might make fun of how little it is. Like in that thing from that gangster movie about, it was cold that night, that henry would allways quote. And it's so cliche. A small peep.

It's almost a clitoris.

It's how big my ego really is.

(I'm laughing but I'm scared that if I laugh too hard, super-ego will come out and try to scare me for making fun of myself).

Gretchen just got here. I ate some reeses sticks causse I was anxious about this.

I feel like THE FAMILIAR are overclose to me, that I was raised to be too open, so forth. I need to learn how to set boundaries so that I can HP myself towards the HP I can underrstand in languageless wordlessness.

Watching Channel Zero I am so gladful that I am not doing any drugs for the last seven months. I went so frickin unsane during that period of time that I nearly died via terror and suicide.

Momo is here. I am comfortable but I worry that if the device is not open to this page that I might fall down another K-hole. That, I cannot do. I cannot bear it.

Please Jesus Christ, help me get through this. Help Taylor Sickler too, wherein the place he is and ought to be, in the heart of God.

Please send the cloud of unknowing to guide me towards the unknowing truth. Please remove this terror, this lostness and this stubbornness inborn in my body of autisticality. I appreciate and adore the presence of God. Please help me deflate my ego with the hand of Gods grace. I will get out of the way of God and I will continue to learn how God speaks to me through the poetry of light and dark, dust and shadow, mystique and mundane, boredom and interest, love and serenity.

Help this evening adorn me with the tribe of THE FAMILIAR so that we might make it through another year of hopelessness. Help us understand that the bleakness which surrounds us is beautiful, and we are powerless over its sumblimity.

I am getting out of the way God, so this is where God can do Gods work.

I am not here. I am in the heart of God. I am learning to forgive myself for all the times I have failed, all the times I've lied, all the times I've tried to escape rather than owning up to my situation. I am powerless to escape and powerless to tell the truth without Gods help guiding my tongue and lips.

I am powerless over these powerless forces that guide me into the light of harmoney, grace, and emptiness.

I get out of the way, and I allow Gods grace to change me for the optimisticality of the blind cat, is how I learn how to forgive my sorrow and my lost desires and my inauthenticity that no knows no bounds, so forth.

Silently Anonymous,

-The Archer

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