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Posted by on 2012/10/29 under Friends

I know I’m a crap friend who can’t bring herself to tell anyone anything, but when I finally do and express my frustration as to how much your possible relationship with a man who is five years short of being double your age, don’t just tell me that I should be happy for you. Don’t tell me that our friendship must not mean much to me because I threatened to end it the moment you get with him. Because if I’m threatening something SO BIG it obviously shows how big of a deal this is to me. It’s so big that I’m willing to drop our friendship because you are only focusing on yourself, completely ignoring how deeply disturbed and uncomfortable I am by the thought of you dating someone that old when you’re only a teenage. When you asked me what was wrong today I couldn’t tell you anything because YOU are the problem. YOU are what is causing me to wake up in tears and horribly upset because I had another dream where you felt a relationship with that man was more important than our friendship. If only you weren’t so stupid, if only you understood me as much as you think you did, if only you never met this man because he is my damn NEIGHBOR, then this wouldn’t be a problem. Honestly, I look at you and I can only feel anger and disgust as of late. Your secret possible relationship is causing me to break apart and my ability to appear apathetic to everything that is bothering me is starting to slip and crumble. I can’t deal with this and I wish you wouldn’t fight me when I tell you that. No, you only attack me, calling me a jerk and a horrible friend and you just DON’T UNDERSTAND. I’m not a bad friend. I let you move into my house when you were having family troubles. I would cry when you expressed your problems to me. We would collaborate on stories and write about characters together and talk every day but lately all of that has stopped. I told you a few days ago when you found that i was crying that our stories are like therapy, and when you asked what you could do to help i heavily hinted that continuing those stories would help me greatly vent these feelings. I expected you to try and continue our story. Instead you did nothing. And that makes me feel like crap.
Sometimes I just don’t want to look at you or talk to you, because as of late doing such has just made me feel horrible and my stomach twists and I feel nauseous because YOU made me swear to secrecy and because of that I can’t tell ANY of my friends because– oh look at this– they’re your friends too! I just wish I had some friends that knew who you were without being your friend. I need someone that I can complain to about you. Someone who I can vent my frustrations to. But I don’t have anyone like that, save for one person. But I don’t want to burden her with the extent of my feelings because she’s just ONE person. I’ve talked to an online therapist about this and it didn’t help. Because I can’t properly explain JUST how much this bothers me.
It bothers me so much.

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