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Posted by on 2017/01/02 under Friends

2017 is finally here and I have been waiting for it. I have entered this year prepared and I will NOT go down easily. I will go beyond what people expect from me, I will create a new person with great intentions and stability. I did enter 2017 with some important people in my life; my best friend Rhonda and my “soulmate” Mark. I only see positivity with these two! With them by my side I hope my journey to happiness will be better, they are amazing, intelligent and loving. I am very grateful to have them in my life. I do have one issue…My “mental disorder” is coming back for a second try with me…I am scared.. I fear it will take over me again. Its something I cant control such as the anger, the hostility, the denial and the worst of all…the suicidal thoughts. I think if I ever enter that stage in my life again it will be the last. I know I have no self control. I also know that when I give in I Totally give in. I FEAR that; I fear that if that day comes I wont have anyone to stop me. The goal this year is to not give in, to not give my power away and to let myself sink back into that hole that I once dug. I took my time filling that hole so that I would never step back into it. For a while I have been digging up that hole again, its eating me alive, my skin crawls when I think of falling into it. Where is my mentality going? Is it falling in the hole with me? Or is it just me myself? If I ever dig that deep again I want everyone to know that it was my choice. That I am the one who wanted to fall. NO! it is 2017 and I am stronger then ever. So I will put down the shovel and I will walk away. I have my Boyfriend and my “Sister”; I know they will catch me if I ever fall again. But remember this year is about “change”! I will improve myself and show everyone that I can be a better Melissa. I will not be Petty! I wont be known as a B**** “maybe”. I will simply be me and only me. I have one goal and I am keeping it to myself. when the time is right I will come out and show everyone what “change” is. 2017 is the year I will continue my education without the Depression. I will finish TWO semesters without having a mental breakdown. I do know one thing.. If I follow my dreams I will be living with my boyfriend by the end of the summer and I know he will help me. He will take every step with me on my journey. I hope one day he will realize that I am not the person I once was. I will NOT let him see who I once was. If he stays in my life he will be the one to experience my change the most. From the way I look to the changes in my mentality. I hope he can grasp on to me and never let go. I do believe in him and I hope he believes in me too. We have our entire lives to spend together and I want to make it worth it. Not by ending my life before I hit the age of 23 or inflicting myself. Right now in my life I am fighting depression and I am fighting reality. I am happy but I am crushed. BUT who cares right? 2017 is here and I will shine. – Melissa. The girl with no feelings ;D

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