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Posted by on 2013/05/06 under Friends

Maybe I should replace you like you replaced me and then you can see how it feels 🙂 how would you like that? You probably wouldn’t, right? Yeah, I’m not enjoying it too much either. The fact that you moving brought you closer to her and farther away from me friendship wise, and equally far away distance wise both depresses me, makes me wish I had tried harder, and makes me hate you and her both. I know I shouldn’t. I should be happy that you’re both happy, but being ignored isn’t something that I like. Any time I feel like saying “Hey, I should go check out how he *person I see as my best friend* is doing, maybe ask them if they want to hang” and I go to your profile, it’s a constant f***ing reminder that I don’t matter any more. I scroll down to see how your life is going and a flood of “I love my best friend<3" "Miss you too bestie!!" and "Can't wait to see you again :)" statuses from her to him show up, I start to hate myself. I seriously start to f***ing hate myself.

Honestly, I think the biggest part of it isn't that I'm losing your friendship (although that's a huge part), but that I'm not good enough for you. I wasn't good enough, so you replaced me.

I wasn't funny enough or cute enough or pretty, nice, friendly enough. I wasn't her.

I know I'm needy. And I try not to be, but any time I decide to just say "hey" to you (maybe once every month, maybe two), you don't even bother replying. The fact that I've spent the last five years of my live investing time, love, feelings and even other peoples friendships into our relationship makes it hurt even more that *you don't even want to respond to me*. Am I that pathetic?

Do you hate me that much?

My friends say "Oh, he'll come around! He's just busy", but that's a huge lie.

You used to always tell me "I can't wait until I get YouTube famous. Keep up with my videos – we can make some, you and I, together. We should make a channel!"

We made a channel once, years ago, dedicated to us being silly. Never posted a video or anything because we would always make them and then trash them because of our insecurities.

But I was always there to tell you "You're loved" and "You're not alone."

But in the time that I need you the most, why aren't you there for me?

I was the best friend anybody would want. I might not have been perfect, but I was a damn good best friend. I gave you all the time in the world. When you went through struggles, I gave you good advice. When you cried, I comforted you. When you were mad, I calmed you down.

When your birthday rolled around, I remember spending hours looking online to make you the best birthday present ever.

I bought you a TARDIS phone case, a red clip on bow tie, a mechanical Sonic Screwdriver, a nice card with lots of nice words on it and last but not least…

I got you a book. I ordered it blank, specially so I could customize it to make it perfect.

When it all came in from Amazon, I got the book immediately and spent hours finding every picture I could of you and I or just us in any setting.

I printed them all out and continued to CUT THEM OUT so I could then paste them inside of the book.

Which took hours.

After doing that, I went through the entire book and wrote down where we were in the picture, who we were with, what fun things we did in that area, and I would name silly and hilarious memories and inside jokes from those places.

I wrote a note at the end saying "And these last three pages are blank, because our friendship isn't over yet! Can't wait to fill them. Happy Birthday!"

On the front of the book, I painted the TARDIS to make it look like the TARDIS journal from Doctor Who.

After that, I wrapped everything up all perfectly and was ready for your birthday party.

We had a blast at your party. Laughing, taking silly pictures, doing everything. I got to meet your acting friends, and that was awesome.

You were my best friend, and I loved you so much. We got pissed at eachother sometimes, but we were best friends.

Sometimes I thought we were drifting a little when you went to a public school for 8th grade, but we stayed best friends. You went through some phases, but we stayed together.

And then suddenly, Summer after 8th grade, you sent me a call saying you were moving. Two hours away. I cried at first. I was worried he would forget about me or replace me, but he insisted we would remain best friends.

So you moved, just a few months later.

And what did you go and do?

After six months of brief facebook chats, statuses, several visits, updates and video calls, we started to drift.

You started to invite your friend to come visit you in Orlando.

She was a pretty nice person, I didn't mind her.

But then when you came to visit, you started to hang out with her… And not me.

That hurt a little, but I figured it was no big deal.

Months later, you won't even answer your facebook chat for me. Doesn't matter what I say. I told you that I'm depressed and lonely. I wasn't needy in how I said it. I just said "I miss you! We need to hang out. It's really lonely here and I'm a little depressed"

Did something not register? I know you check your facebook. You didn't ignore me. I did nothing to make you hate me.

You message her all the time, but when it comes to your *old* best friend?

I don't f***ing matter at all, do I?

All those F***ING years that I spent on our friendship. I wish I could erase it all because it doesn't matter any more. It's wasted time. The memories are good, but when they remind me that I'm no longer good enough, they become sour and bitter and horrible. I begin to hate myself more and more every time I think of you.

You might think it's not a big deal to me, or that I won't care, but I think about the fact that I'm not good enough every day. EVERY DAY. I see Facebook posts from your parents, who I adore, and they remind me that my old best friend hates me for no apparent reason.

I see tumblr posts, I hear things about your family, I get reminded that I AM NOT AND WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. Do you know I didn't miss a single play that you were in up until you were in 9th grade and you moved? That's because I cared. You were my best friend and I wanted to be there for you, and now that I hate my own damn guts you decide to go and refuse to talk to me.

I'm just going to face it right now.

We haven't been best friends for a long time, and we probably won't be that close ever again.

So here's to forgetting "the past" like you did.

Thanks for the memories. And I know I shouldn't be as harsh as I sound, but do I really mean that little to you? I am angry at you – more than I ever have been before. I feel betrayed and cheated. I need you now, and you clearly don't plan on helping me in my time of need.

So, bye.

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