Posted by Anonymous on 2012/05/25 under Uncategorized “I’ll always be this person, no matter how much I trust you, or how lovely I know I am.”
This doesn’t have to do with me being insecure. This has to do with jealousy; I will always be a jealous person. I will always be jealous when you do things I want to do. I will always be jealous when other people get to spend time with you and I don’t. I will always be jealous when it comes to other girls. Not because I’m insecure- I know that you must be with me for a reason, obviously you like me and who I am. It’s just the way it is, it’s the way it’s always been. I don’t like being told that all of my problems are because I’m insecure. For so long I fought that feeling, and now that I don’t have it nagging at me every day, I have you to tell me that it’s still there? I don’t like having to question myself about something that makes me feel so terrible. I know that I am a beautiful person. I know my flaws and I’ve accepted them. I don’t care what other people think of me. Except for you. That’s why it hurts me so much when you even tease me about something. That’s why I have such a hard time telling you things. I know you like me for who I am, but that was initially, you had no real idea of who I was. I know it will continue to be this way until I do tell you things, but that’s a slow process. And I know I can’t expect all the time in the world. I know I’m putting myself in danger by being the way I am. But it’s a way to protect myself at the same time. I like you a lot. I enjoy your company. I appreciate everything you do for me. And I really want us to work out for however long we have- I want us to be happy. I spent so long being unhappy; in and out of a relationship. I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. I don’t want to be depressed. I am trying my hardest to pull myself together and now that I have you, someone who makes me the happiest I think I’ve ever been, I don’t want to lose that. Of course, I don’t want you to think I’m basing my happiness off of you. Because I know how in the long run, that’ll hurt me more than it helps me. I don’t believe that I do that, and again, you saying so makes me question myself. Yes, I do prefer to be around people than to be alone. Yes, I’m very emotional when it comes to reactions to these people. But that doesn’t mean I base my happiness on others. In fact, I feel the complete opposite of this. I have always been independent, whether it be because I have to be, or because I want to be. I was never close with my family, I moved around too much to keep stable friendships- I never knew anything solid. So I learned not to rely on others. Relationships have showed me a different side to this argument, but as a generality, I distanced myself. And maybe that’s what my problem is. I know that people make mistakes; I know we’re only human, and I know that sooner or later everyone leaves. A very negative outlook, yes, but perhaps that’s what I hold in my subconscious that prevents me from ever being 100% real. The thing with you is that I don’t want you to leave. And the difference between this feeling, and the way I’ve felt with all of my other relationships is that I don’t want you to leave, not that I need you not to leave. I’ve never found someone that is everything I want, someone that I so fully enjoy talking to and being around, someone who feels so natural and so right. I’ve never found someone that makes me feel so good about myself or so loved. And that’s exactly why I hate to fight with you. I don’t want something so good to make me feel so terrible sometimes. In return, I don’t want to make you feel bad either. I don’t exactly know how you feel, but I get a vibe that it’s similar to how I feel. I try so hard to make you feel good about us. I try to do nice things. Because I can’t tell you how I feel, I try to show you. I know you say you can feel it, but I want you to know as best as you can. I really care about you. I think you’re unique in a way different than it’s usually said; unique to me. We have a strange connection, and I don’t know what to make of it. All I feel is that it’s positive. But I’ve told you this, the connection thing that is. Though I do think it’s important to keep that in mind. Whether you think so or not, I want you to think about it, and try to see how I could think that. I know that’s what you like to do, analyze and figure me out.
I’m not angry with you. Sometimes you are less than nice about the way you handle situations. Sometimes I don’t think you fully understand how what you say affects me. But I can’t be angry with you for that, you’re that way because that is what you know. At times, I do get sad though. Sad because things aren’t the way they were in the beginning. Now in some aspects that’s a good thing- we’re closer, more connected. But I miss the way we used to talk. The way you used to ask me questions. The way you would tell me about all of your thoughts or ideas. I miss the adventures. I miss the poetry. I miss the spontaneity of what we were. Some of it is my fault things are different, some yours. But we cannot become each other’s “habits”. Life can’t be what is expected.
“What do you want?”
“It doesn’t matter. We’re here, right now together.”
I wish this to still be true. I know I contradict myself by wishing and hoping for certain outcomes, but I want some of that back. I want to go on walks at the park. I want to sit and look at the stars. I want to drive aimlessly. I want to sit in my car and talk. I want to get lost in kissing you. Well, that still happens, but it certainly can’t hurt to do it more. I want to be surprised by you. I want the adventures we talked about. I want to lay in bed with quiet whispers, just being together. I feel beautiful things. And I want that to be manifest in all we are.