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Posted by on 2022/08/28 under Family

I am 23, going on 24 and I have no faith in myself anymore. I feel like the joy was sucked from my body ounce by ounce by my father. I used to be able to wake up and just feel as if my day had a chance to do right by me like I try to do right by it. The last 6 months of my life have been complete hell by 1 person alone whom I try to really limit contact with now. I can’t go into detail as easily but the person in question has been a big drinker for years. It was more emotional abuse bordering physical at times. Even a thousand miles away, Its almost like at times I can hear every last fiber of rage clear as day in the back of my mind anytime I so much as even try to decide what to eat for dinner. Every moment just feels so vivid, every last judgement, lie, and spiteful rant about me, my mother’s family(they’ve been divorced since I was a child), his own other children, or even how much he wished he had died at war. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to try and even move forward with these rising feelings of resentment and loathing I now feel. Its like a stab wound that just refuses to close. Its festering and every time I try to address it or explode I feel like I’m trying to gnaw my own limb off its so difficult. I couldn’t find anywhere else to write this or anywhere to even try and address this. I’ve been in therapy for almost 2 years now already dealing with already serious enough issues I’ve found myself to have before. Recently, this immense sense of doubt and dread just won’t fade. I try to wake up everyday to be the best I can be for my family, my friends, and myself, and I just can’t seem to pull my strength together like I used to anymore. I just want to be able to find the good in myself again and I just can’t for the life of me remember where or how to look. I’ve been blacking out for short intervals lately same with physical aches or even just vividly hearing rapid insults hurled at me from nowhere. I can’t keep this up and its affecting almost every facet of my life now. I know for a fact I would not have come this far without the friendships I have made over the years but lately too, I just can’t seem to find the strength to just try and reach out to them as often. I just feel so drained, lost, and confused. But when I do see them, I feel like myself again, even for a little bit.

Feel free to ignore this, I am just a man trying to do right by his own. If you feel the need to open up or just try and talk to somebody I encourage you to do so.

TLDR: I’ve lost my confidence from months of abuse but I haven’t entirely given up.

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