Posted by Anonymous on 2020/08/14 under Love At this point I wanna rename the thread- I don't know what to call my feelings for him at this point. I was actually writing this same post a couple days ago but I lost the text somehow and just decided to not rewrite it. However it has been living in the forefront of my brain ever since then. The purpose of this post is into diverge into this jumbo nest of emotions and really pick apart every single one I can identify and just see what I feel at the end of it. I clearly think about him all too often, he is the emperor of my thoughts. I'm at the point where I think about him more than I think of myself. I think about is happiness, what he's doing, if he's happy, if he's thinking about me too. I feel so much. All of this- It goes under infatuation- that's what all this is. And that's what I'm calling it and honestly what I want to rename this thread to. But for the sake of continuity I won't. I am infatuated with him. N seriously, I don't know what to do with that. Like, idk how to cope, or how to accept, avoid it. It's just there. The sad part is I don't mind (obviously). I of course care a lot about this guy and I know if he would just allow himself to care, he would care about me too. I really think he's gorgeous and I know I've said that all of this is, is outside the physical but that doesn't mean it's not a component. He has the most caring soul and the cutest eyes and hands, such attractive lips. He could be all for me 🙁 I wish he would let it be so. Although he wears his emotions for the people he cares about on his sleeve its really impossible to relate to him. He by nature, constantly sends mixed signals, just in everyday life so imagine romantically?!?!. I mean by best friend who is also friends with him says he would've never gave me any attention if he wasn't interested. N yes that makes sense but the original conversions between me n him were about wanting to hookup, so ofc he was interested. You know another thing, he doesn't acknowledge the fact that I have a crush on him. He knows I do which doesn't help the awkwardness but he also doesn't reject me. I mean he's not the type to have the guts to say "listen I'm not into you" but I also feel like he could be harsher and he isn't. I'm not sure if he's trying to spare my feelings or he's not realizing how deep this crush actually is…but whatever it is its confusing. Time will tell
He's a little insecure but I embrace that so much. No one really knows the image I have of him but I wish he did. And not in the sense where he kinda would see how obsessed I am, but the perfection I already think he is. I literally love him exactly how he is. Besides his biggest flaw which is really the only flaw he has which is his shyness. He doesn't talk, he doesn't open up. He only talks to his childhood bsf. That's it literally no one else. He does wear his heart on his sleeve though and you know how to read him if you know him. We've known each other for years. (To think I used to hate him).(Also to think he used to like me! I was his first kiss).
I wish he would let me in so then I could tell him how much he actually means to me. N how perfect I think he is. I would love to love him through his insecurities. Be there for him the way I wish someone was for me when I felt similarly.
Now I'm not exactly wishing for him to be straight up because I truly have NO idea how he feels in regards to me. N right now I am not in a place where I could deal with him rejecting me.
He is the only guy I've felt this way for in a lonngggg time. I haven't felt this way since middle school (I'm in college). And the fact that I feel I could give him so much- I literally just picture how much he could improve my life and I his, it's just too much emotion on the line to face rejection.
I have hope for us I seriously do n idk y but there's something telling me to not give up on him, to not lose feelings. idk.