Posted by Anonymous on 2020/08/08 under Life Thank you for the birthday card and the money, hope you are well with all this virus nonsense thats going on out there in Germany.
Hope the police and military are not on the streets like i heard happened in Italy. We are ok here in Communist/Fascist England, the little blonde Boris is demanding the ole folk stay in until August. Like anyone really listens to that Eton public school boy.
Mum has not been out since march, not even in the garden, she is probably dying from lack of sunlight and vitamin D. Though she is drinking a bottle of german Hock each night, im sure its killing off the virus. I am still driving her Ford car around to buy her wines and do the shopping. I am refusing to wear a face mask in shops which has become a problem in some places. Its my right not to wear one they feel hot and sweaty and maybe im just too selfish to even care anymore. Im sick of this virus stuff, its gone on too long for them to justify it. Someone said online i should be shot for not wearing a mask, someone else called me stupid in a shop. Its got to ridiculous levels of obedient mask wearers vs selfish anti maskers. Its scary the level of control they have over the people with the media and fear. They are all wearing a mask to stop a second wave apparently, im sure if the government and its cronnies want a second wave, they will make any excuse. Probably blame it on pubs or restaurants as people in those places dont need to wear one.
Yes im still driving and enjoying it, i dont know where i would be without a car now, i love it, its such a sense of freedom. I couldnt learn to drive before as i had anxiety and also i was always usually drink. Im sure i would have been drinking and driving all the time without a doubt. Now im older and apparently mature and wise, its easier. Im happy driving, id think bout doing it for a job one day after i have finished caring for mum. She has COPD now and heart failure, been in the hospital a good few times. Its difficult caring for her, its a struggle, ive really had some down days but also its been enlightening and wonderous as we have gotten to know eachother much better.
We got closer, sure we can still argue and bicker. I had to change, to bite my tongue, my mouth that keeps spouting nonsense and im forever asking questions. Its like im slightly dumb and very anal retentive i cant let things go, sometimes i just need to argue, i need to be right. We have clashed heads many times, but im learning now. I know you and nanny Edna had arguments, the mother son relationship isnt easy. Its really difficult sometimes, i go out for 30 minutes for a walk around the block or to a shop to buy a bar of chocolate. Where i dont drink or smoke no more, ive got no real escape. I started doing some thai chai, meditation and even some boxing to keep fit. I do miss that icy cold beer sliding down my throat, that feeling, rush, the high and the next day the low. Sometimes i reinact the entire high and low of a drinking session in my mind. I get all the highs and lows of it, i am a dry drunk for sure.
I know this is the most ive probably ever wrote to you before, we are all getting older and no matter what has happened in the past or happens in the future you will always be my dad.
We can all be awkward to get along with, and i think we are actually sensitive me and you, we are similar. I guess i never really wanted to be fully open with many people in my life. I never really showed you the real me and im not sure i ever saw the real you. Its all fun being drunk when we are young and saying i love you at the end of a great party. Im judgmental and maybe you are too, or you were. Its difficult being open when we share our lives with others and whatever is said can be spread around to others. We have never really had any serious conversations, i mean like, its usually something my mum says to aunt jan and it goes back and forth between them ( or it used too) then we meet and nothing is said or you hint at things. I try to open up. I guess im trying to speak to you through this letter, rather than you fly over from Germany and come visit and its all awkard. I feel it, im sure you do sometimes, but we are really ok, its just misunderstandings. Complete misunderstandings, im like over 40 now you are like 70?. I dont know if we will ever be close. I tried, you tried, i think we both kinda tried.
I keep rememebring some of the arguments you had with nanny Edna and she kept saying you are not German. I remember her running up the stairs and crying. Im ok with you living and being in germany and having a german partner, i dont really care at all, but i know for a fact she has a hold on you and i dont even care bout that either. I just dont care do what you want but dont expect me to run around at the age of 40 when you were not even there when i was 12. Its not happening, i dont mean to have a go at you. Its long gone, we wont ever be close and yeah i was sad about it, a good few years ago i broke down an cried bout it. I feel like its push and pull now, like a game. The exact same game you had with your mum. The same game i have with my mum, but we managed to break through it me and her because of illness. As i said you will always be my dad and i will do the right thing in the end. If you need help i will be there one day.