Posted by Anonymous on 2020/02/28 under Life There once was a time when I was truly lonely. It wasn't when I was single or living alone in my little studio apartment or anytime throughout my teen or tween years. It was 4 years ago or so.. I was married and was about due with our second child. He stopped talking to me, was always angry or frustrated with me, he would be mean and blame me for things. I started getting a feeling that I couldn't shake. Deep in my stomach was an ache, in my throat a lump and my mind the constant wonder of who was she. His touch began to change. The way he kissed me, fingered me, made love that had turned to just sex. Sex that we have never had before. It was as if he was with someone else not me when we were together intimately. He became close with an older woman that worked with him. She talked about everything with him. He began to mainly talk about her when we would communicate. It would always be she says this or she said that or she did this or she did that or she complained about this. I felt like he was putting all of his energy, patience, time, communication, and understanding into her. Was he just having an emotional affair or was it something more.? I was a pregnant butterball, an at home, homeschool mom that didn't leave the house. I became deserted from my family and friends. I started tracking his phone, but there was nothing. Shortly after I would show up at his job and look in the windows. This wasn't me. Looking up into the building windows I could see a young female between a mans legs as he sat against a boardroom table. This man from far resembled my husband. So, I called and when I called they looked out and saw my lights from the car shine up. They were gone and shortly after he was walking in the parking lot. I asked about what I had just witnessed, but he denied everything and said that he had been down by the parking lot. He told me I was crazy and that anyone could be in that building, but I knew that only some had accesses to the building. I realized that I wasn't going to get the truth. Until one night he got trashed and started mumbling about how he wish he hadn't slept with her. "Her" I instantly asked her who? His face dropped and he froze. I asked him if he meant me or someone else but I got no response. I still have no answers, but I have moved on. I told him I was either going to continue to dwell on what happened and end up leaving him or I was going to forgive him and move on. I forgave him and I hardly ever think about it. Once in awhile I find myself throwing in his face the time he acted different at that night job. Was I strong? Was I stupid? Should I have gone with my gut? How did he convince me that my eyes were deceiving me. Was he telling the truth? Was I just being hormonal? I want to make my marriage work. I want my children to grow up and live in a loving, healthy environment. Romantic relationships are exhausting, I just want to make this work at least until my children are grown, then be alone. He tells me that he wants to be together forever, but I can't imagine that being the truth if he is lying.