Posted by Anonymous on 2019/11/18 under Life I like living my life wondering how it would've turned out to be different if I made different decisions but ain't nothing like the life I DID end up having. I have a wonderful life, it's almost too wonderful. Of course, I did have to endure a most horrific life prior to the one I am at the moment but, let's not dwell on the past. We shall converse about the present and maybe the future at some point. The fact that I do have two wonderful daughters and an amazing husband to be(hopefully) is amazing and not just that but, it's a miracle he chose me because he is not the father. How is that even relevant to the point I wish to get to? Well, I have no clue, really. Guess it's something I wanted to admit to anybody since it's something I feel is taboo to talk about in the real world. Giving birth to 2 girls who make my life worth living for was not a big deal to their biological father, I guess. I have many talents but, tolerating someone's unacceptable behavior is not one of them, especially when it's about my girls. I am tired of thinking and talking and breathing about this life I have rather than be working on making it better because it can definitely be better not just for my own good but, I am referring to the people surrounding me that I am currently keeping from a better life thanks to my fears that come from my understandable anxious personality which constantly thinks about the negative things that could happen to them and so I have an over-bearing personality that I know deep down(not that deep) they wish to change bout me. I keep them from experiencing new things(that are vital) because I'm too afraid something will happen causing, definitely, their death. Do I totally hate myself for it, as well? Yes. I cannot change unless I decide to smoke pot on a regular basis to keep calm but, that would do more harm than done. Will I learn to let go of some things that are keeping us from living just a little happier? That is for all of us to find out and I'm scared it could be the end of us.(my love relationship with my "hubby") >.< f***ing brain of mine (8)