I'm struggling a lot with if I can maintain my clean time and not do drugs. I know if I use again I'll die, because I can't control myself. However, I'm also severely suicidal all the time, and my CPTSD is making life super hard. I'm worried that I'll drop the ball and fall over the cliff I'm currently on.
I've been trying to tell my parents but they don't understand, and just cause things to be worse. I don't want to die, I don't want to have my brothers and family and friends have me die. But I also don't know how to kill this beast of mental illness and addiction without killing myself, and it's seeming like that's all thats left.
I don't know what to do, but I don't have any control, and it scares me.
weird, I tend to be much more into killing people. or fighting till I die, oh the blood pouring down my face and into my mouth the shakes and pleasure of sucuminb to my wounds Meh just me tho. honestly I wouldn’t mind dying. having people just pop out of the world is kinda creepy just there then not. leave every conversation as if you died. some people are real lights, some are just scraps of paper on the ground, you know there’s letters on them but you know it’s just another scrap of paper not worth reading. You pick some up and stash them away other’s you unfold and reread every day. just to have them slip through your fingers. the rage takes over while you drive and you image killing and being killed to let the pain out. you play videogames to waste time and you always tell yourself to do more but never a thing gets done. you live in a messy room while lamenting on how messy it is. Death would just be slipping away, I loved you Sarah as much as this body has ever been loved before. what is there to do now. I’ll see how long I’ll go. maybe I’ll just drive into the desert and find myself or, naw nvm I’m just being emtional for the lack of food today.