Posted by Anonymous on 2019/04/23 under Life Since childhood I have been a fun person, always smiling, always making jokes, sometimes bullying my friends in a kiddish way. Everyone loves being around me and I love being surrounded by my friends. I did my primary school, high school and college in different cities, currently I am working in a different city, so I have and had many group of friends but with one thing in common, I was always the Alpha Male of the group. So i considered it my duty to take care of my friends, keep them happy, organizing all the trips, listen to their life problems and give them advice which I myself usually do not follow. In this process, “I became the most fun loving person of the group” this tag was followed by compliments like “I wish I had a life like you”, “You are never sad, I am so envy of you”, “You are so full of life”. Before I knew it I became addicted to the tag, I evolved into a new person, like a pokemon does with all new powers. I was funnier than before, I was smiling when I should not, I became a person who never complained about life. With this came new friends and more compliments and I got stuck in a loop where there was no coming out. Fast forward my life to today, I am still that person who everyone loves but the difference is, it is only on the outside. I am the one who listens to everyone, how can I become that person who would have to share his sorrows, I am too afraid if I cry i will lose that tag. I am afraid if I open up, if I show emotions, I would not be “the most fun loving person of the group”. So at the end, I tried to turn towards the option when your friends fail you, The Family.
I have a super cool mom, she knows about my girlfriends, my bad habits, my good habits. So what went wrong?
I have a younger sister who like all younger sisters take stress even on the smallest matters and my mom’s favorite dialogue to her is what brought me here – “Look at your brother, he is so happy in life, why can’t you be like him”
One thought on “The day I became the most fun loving person of the group.”
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Ever since I was a child, like everyone starts off, I was too restricted in my own ways. I would keep the smallest of the smallest things to myself. Basically an introvert, but to what extent? That I couldn’t even tell my mom that I love her, the way my brother did? I didn’t realise the burden that I was carrying in my heart, till I reached a stage when I had even crossed college, a life worth living ( that in a lot of ways I missed ). One thing was clear though, my stupid mind and what I keep thinking and making up stories in my head. I remember that as a child, after I lost my grandma, I started experiencing pain. Not just mine, but everyone’s. I believed in angels at that time and I promised to myself, that people around me are already so stressed and I won’t bother them with my meagre problems, and instead I would just be the angel in their lives and spread happiness. I made that my motto in life. That motto, if nothing became a rather toxic one, bit me like a leech. I became so sensitive to others’ pain that all I did was try to help them in one way or another, still being the same restricted person deep down. I wouldn’t tell anyone about my problems, my real problems that kept my eyes opened at night, that mattered.
With time I grew up and my first friend in college taught me to open up. That way I was able to overcome my introvert nature by talking to more people, socializing and being a happy go lucky person to everyone. That helped in a lot of ways. I found one or two real friend. But really, was that actually helping or was that a temporary solution I asked myself. The answer was so very clear when I noticed that the reason why I cry at nights or sometimes when I’m alone, I still had it hidden in my heart. My happy moments and small problema were something I could share, but the real ones, I was still that young girl from childhood that hid them from even my own mother.
Things changed, environments changed after college. Given this new set of people, I tried living life in an entirely different way. Decided to be daring. It sure was the best time of my life, but as they say, Dreams end and we do have to wake up. Life struck again and I had to face my bad circumstances, all at once. Things fell apart in ways I couldn’t expect. My family was in emotional, financial crisis, I had had a heart break, I was emotionally wrecked, didn’t enjoy my work life and was losing my friends that I thought would last forever. I tried to y ahead in my career but failed not just once, but at least 20/30 times in different areas in a span of two years. But that, that exactly was the moment when I learnt the reality of life. At this time again, I looked at my mom thinking that today, I’m share my heart out, tell her my problems and make her my best friend. But no, this scared little girl inside me, couldn’t, just couldn’t as I kept my mom’s happiness over mine, again and felt the trauma she was going through and decided to keep my crisis within myself. I did have a few friends I could share my sorrows with but then as everyone has problems in life and I bringe sensitive to not just mine but everyone’s, I saw theirs as well and stepped back before telling mine to them. So, back at square one? i was all alone. Soon after, I saw some videos on loneliness and depression and realised that “it’s all in the mind”. No one out there, no one is checking if I’m being the angel of happiness or not. It’s a stupid goal I had set for myself and that was it. No one kept tabs on it. I realised that when I feel lonely, when I feel scared sharing my inhibitions, I’m acting dumb. Everyone is in some way sailing in the same boat. Half of my problems are not even real. My only problem is my fear of being judged when I expose my hesitations, my thoughts, my failures, my sorrows, my pain to anyone. I picked up my phone and called a friend and talked about just the general stuff and guess what? I hadn’t even lost my friends that I thought I did. They were all there. I just had to reach out to them, because people don’t judge, but they are not even antaryami as they say. No one can know what’s inside you till you tell them. And most of all, no pain goes away without it being shared. You may not find a solution by telling your problem to someone, but you’ll at least feel better and that’s a start. This was a great lesson and now I’m doing a lot better in life and also being a happiness spreading angel, but this not, not at the cost of my happiness or sanity.
To your experience also, I would just say, that this, as you call “Alpha Male” is nothing to anyone but just a bar y have set for yourself in your own head. If your friends can be with you in your happy, crazy times and not see your sad, low side and be with you at that time, they aren’t even your real friends. This isn’t even their fault, its just yours. You, your mind and your deceptive act of being Super Human. No human can have a life without problems. Today, pick your phone and call your friend and just say that you’re feeling lonely, or you wanna talk. Trust me, they’ll be there, so will your mother be. You’re scared too, scared of losing an image, but that image is what you are showing yourself as to the world. Why are you scared of showing your real self? Because unless you do, you’ll never get out of the loop