Posted by Anonymous on 2019/04/21 under Life I don’t know what I’m looking for in my life. Often, I sit here not able to express my thoughts. The complexity and nuances of my thought are so great, and my words so small, my words can only express a single thought at a time. What is this emptiness that I’m trying to fill, what is it that will make me content? What do I need to do to feel like I have a purpose in my life? What can I attain that will finally make me feel as if I have nothing to lose? There is this insatiable but very quiet and meek jealousy in me when I see the world full of beautiful people living a life that I can only see in my daydreams. The jealousy doesn’t speak to me and say I hate these people for being so happy. It doesn’t motivate either. It brings no change in me. Instead it’s a self-deprecating jealousy. It says to me look at how happy these people are, they deserve it because they are beautiful like their lives and you, you’re ugly and you don’t deserve the life they have. So I look in awe and accept that it will never be my life. There’s no passion in my thought, there’s just a subdued acceptance that my life will never be beautiful. And I push those thoughts away but they always return as soon as I see a beautiful person, and the amount of pain that comes from knowing that they also have a beautiful heart contained within them is like sharp pellets being thrown at my heart. Why don’t I have passion for anything, why am I not interested in life, why do I constantly default to the thinking that once I am beautiful, I will have passions and I will have a love for this world around me. Whose love am I seeking? Who am I seeking to love? Who will seek my love?