Posted by Anonymous on 2018/12/09 under Kids God, Gretchen just brought a Catholic friend home from the church. They know each other from school but THE FAMILIAR is also heavily involved in church activities. Her dad is the choirist (I don't know what the correct title for this is.) It is nice to see her with someone from the church because her boyfriend is such a prickly keister and he isn't very kind seeming. But Sarah seems alot friendlier and a lot more devout, just in the language of Gods gentleness. I always feel like a creep around her because I am a heroin addict. I always feel just distraught and weird and entangled but it's just my mind, and in zen the paradox is truly that mind is non-existent. It is so difficult to accept that there is no mind because I am so used to entertaining my mind. I am learning how to become more familiar with the mindless parts of existence because that is where I excel the most. When I am mindful, everything falls apart becaue I obsess about what isn't there, what there is too much of, what is lacking, what is excessive, so forth. So getting rid of mind as often as possible, leads to the emptiness of God. I am grateful that we are becoming more conversant with each other. God and I. And I pray that Gretchen might find her way to program at some point where she feels comfortable enough. She doesn't have to get overchurchy but it'd be great if she was able to show up for herself and have a program so she is more in the presence than in the lack. I am grateful that things are becoming more available and that there is a lot less fear around myself. I still get major cagey and overwhelmed but I am learning to let it pass. I want to be saved all the time. I want something to command me to learn how to get out of each pickle, but as gentle as possible because of how weak I am eternally. I am getting out of the way of God and letting myself become more familiar with the church, including Father Martin(e), Father Lepcha, and Father Randy. These guys have helped me. But I still have some fear that it is all some big INFINITE JEST like the media has taught me and that they are secretly satanist who are using me to sacrifice to the devil or something. But with faith, I feel a lot more comfortable in showing up for myself. Parts of me have thought that what if all of these church accusations against the old men and young alike who do the priesthood, are just the devil acting a fool to bind himself even deeper to the catholic church so he can destroy all the vestiges of faith that the body has worked for? It would make sense. And I can imagine the priests telling the kids when he's doing it like, God wants this, Jusst like Abraham had to give us his Son Isaac to prove his faith, God wants me to abuse these kids to show the body how terrible the devil is? I don't know. Sometimes I think about this during church. Are these old men and young agendaless? Or is there some wrath involved? I will never find the answer just accumulate more questions anonymous. I am working on giving up hope and not giving up hope but I don't know how to do any of it. I am grateful that Andrew is okay and that he is able to walk, sing, go to the gym and so forth. It is so gnarly what happened to him. I remember when Rob first told me about it and when I saw him, he looked so gangly, so puppeteered. I hope he is feeling comfortable and not scared in his mind(tube). Please pray for him and father randy God when the chance comes. Please help me sleep as deeply as possible tonight so that tomorrow isn't terribly difficult. I am working on being happier and less serious. I hope that I can become open and devout enough to let the spirit of God soar through me, so forth. No matter what, -The Archer
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