Posted by Anonymous on 2018/12/06 under Life God, I wanted to re-report these resentments with God so I can show up for asking God to remove these defects of characterlessness; -Gretchen for stealing my place on easter -Shelby for making me wait to open my presents on christmas These are old resentments but they are still significant because they get in the way of my spiritual sanity, so forth. Silently Anonymous, -The Archer PS. They effect my personal and social relations, and security. My part is that I wasn't humble enough to let it go or let her just steal my place, so forth. But I stayed angry because I felt like it wasn't fair that I didn't get to find all the secret eggs. I had to just wait around and let Gretchen find the rest of her eggs on her own. I don't think she'd be happy if I just let her win but she was really little then and had a major temper. The second part is that I was lacking in extreme patience and I needed to allow Shelby to catch as much sleep as she needed to. It wasn't just Christmas that belonged to me, it belonged to everybody. And even though I was awake, it is selfish that I was trying to run the whole show by making it all about me and not accepting that other people have lives that they are tired from and might like to sleep in from, so forth.
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God,
I am also resentful that all Bethany seems to do is eat and computer. She is even eating and vomiting (binging and purging). It is annoying because she is spending the schizophrenia monies on vomiting. It seems so flippin’ insane! It is making me so full of rage and embarassment.
Although I know that there is nothing I can do to change this kind of stuff. I need some kind of help that will allow me to detach from this (and these) situations in THE FAMILIAR because I am not to blame for them and I am not allone in feeling this shame.
I am not expected to fix nor heal anyone and I just have to focus on my program, one second at a time and all will be well.
Protect me from emotional intoxication God.
I cannot do this without the grace of Gods grace.
Silently Anonymous,
-The Archer
PS This effects my personal and social relations, and security (also sex because Beth has done a lot of incest trauam on my spirit and body and I am willing to own my abuse so it doesn’t have any power of me anymore. My perpetrators will no longer have power over me or be able to scare me.)
My part is that I grew up in a chaotically entangled family that didn’t have any sense of boundaires and no one was working a program but just adding more chaos onto the pile of chaos.
It is not my fault because young children DO NOT under any circumstances have sexual thoughts and feelings about adults (ie the tickling of the teddy bears and the penis)
please also allow me to see where I am at fault for my resentment and how I can become more accountable to it.
Silently Anonymous,
-The Archer
Also that she, Beth, shoved the toothbrush in her ass and also said F*** jesus in the ass, f*** him. To me, like it was directed at me for some reason?
Also that she attacked my friends sexually when they were too young to know what she was doing.
Andrew Mace
Tony Avola
Josh Guerrero
Cameron Blake
Even though I am embarassed that she did this to my friends. It is not my fault. I didn’t make her do it. And I can’t make her apologize to them. I have to accept that I am powerless over what the members of THE FAMILIAR do to each other. I cannot control any of it. Please help God accept this God.
Silently Anonymous,
-The Archer
Also Brendan Stancer (reminds me of the shoes sketchers) (for some reason?)
That’s five friends; is there a significance to it being five or should I just not worry about that for now?
Cameron Blake
Brendan Stancer
Josh Guerrero
Tony Avola
Andrew Mace
These are also parts of me that have been wounded by Bethanys disease.
God,
I resent M. and Beth for trying to get me to favorite or pick one of them.
Like during those fights a lot time ago when they kept screaming and Beth said that I would protect her and M. was screaming scared.
It wasn’t fair to me. I wasn’t old enough to understand what was going on, so forth.
Personal, security, social and self-esteem, and security.
I don’t know what my part is except at this moment I have the program and I am learning what parts to get involved in and which parts need boundaries. It’s just sort of trial and error. I don’t know what else to do about it.
We are all here sort of just waiting for godot.
Everyone else thinks everyone else is right but what if no-one is right? What if everyone is wrong?
By trying to do the right thing so hard they might’ve just f***ed everything up.
I am willing to continue to do this and to accept responsibility for my little part but also to get out of Gods way when he can deal with the situation better than I.
I am resentful that M. stole Saul from Dad? Even though they were already divorced at that point. I don’t know how to tap into this gravygrief because it is so deep.
I am trying to accept that I don’t understand my emotions when they come to my parents divorce. divorcing each other?
And so much of it is kept secret for one reason or another and that is okay too. I have to forgive myself for loving them so much and caring just out of the pureness of my heartful nature.
Help me to accept that I cant get any sanity and clarity unless I move towards a greater understanding of the program of action and emptiness.
Please forgive me for forgiving myself. It is the only option I have left in Recoveries Anonymous.
I am scared if I don’t forgive myself for the infinity of wrongs that I have committed that I’ll never get free of my suicidal nature, self hatred and emptiness and loss of self.
Please guide me God into the light of Gods face? Faith? What do they say?
Help me understand the fullness of charity when I am able in Gods will to commit it. And help me preserve my anonymity so I can be in the heart of Gods will rather than separate from it.
Silently Anonymous,
-The Archer
PS – This affects my personal and social relations // sex because I used to masturbate while listening to M. and SAUL have sex and self esteem because I didn’t have any because M. resented Dad for being a pig(???) and Dad resented M. for teaming up with Saul to romance with him.
Please forgive me for being an innocent child who didn’t know better than to love my parents with all my heart and soul and to even do my best to welcome Saul into my heart no matter how difficult it is.
Help me to forgive myself for revulsing from this situation. And guide my program into the cloud of unknowing.
Silently Anonymous,
-The Archer
a surplus of patience
no real friends, just books.
Chirophobia + Agoraphobia
And (catatonic and paranoid) schizophrenia and Austim (austism) autism) spectrum disorder
death, sadness and abject morbidity
Schizophrenia knocked at the door, faith answered and it was Bartleby, the Scrivner
Is there such a thing as a healthy narcissist?
God,
Another thing is like right now, when I was going to pick up the package from the accidentality from 414 and it wasn’t there, my feeling and instinct is to get angry and snap like immediately.
But it’s important to use these moments as opportunities to achieve the impossible, more patience, more humility and more courage to accept that I might not ever get that package, and to be okay with something like that is beautiful.
For instance, I didn’t work for this monies except spiritually and via this mental illness which is a lot of work. And second, I haven’t done anything, so its okay for me to be in the quiet of emptiness and stillness.
Just guide God towards more surrender. I am craving more healthy surrender. For the sake of God Himself and His Son Jesus Christos.
Thank God for being of Service.
Silently Anonymous,
-The Archer