Posted by Anonymous on 2018/10/29 under Life I thought I existed to make other people happy. Now I'm dating someone (we'll call him A) who encourages me to pursue what I REALLY want. He treats me with such respect and dignity that I'm feeling more confident now. I feel I can be a better partner and feel more genuinely connected. We are so compatible, he sees the beauty that I see in the world (at least most of it) and he is so deliciously expressive, insightful, observant, and specific. When he says "Yes Ma'am," and expresses how beautiful my femininity is, I just can't resist his respectful attitude. Sex is incredible and I find myself so attracted to him, which is amazing to me because I never thought I could be attracted to someone in that way. Before this man, I spend the last five years of my life with someone (we'll call him M) who did not respect me or excite me, he merely tolerated me, and I him. We were both somewhat dominant and butted heads a lot. And yet we were both painfully sensitive, and our traits triggered each other's anxiety to the max. But I figured I was so messed up that no one else would want me… and M stayed with me the longest, so I might as well stay with him. I really believed that. It was a lie. I had been stripped of my identity and any hope that I could work (I'm partially disabled) or do ANYTHING, I put aside my life goals to meet M's expectations. I didn't realize how bad it was until I ended the relationship. I already knew A at the time and only felt confident to finally end it with M because A reminded me that I shouldn't force myself to do ANYTHING I don't want, and that my emotions and intuition are valid. A was not trying to steal me from M, but he could clearly see that I was distressed by the relationship and told me he'd stick by me regardless of what I choose, and he just wants me to be happy, even if that meant me staying with M. I love the way A showers me with genuine compliments, noticing every little thing I do and say and cherishing it… he would kiss each of my toes if he could. It's as if my very existence is beautiful to him, and he feels privileged to have me around. It makes me want to be around him all the more, and I love watching/hearing his reactions to the things I do that please him… even just making him laugh. And he reminds me again and again that I don't owe him anything, he doesn't expect anything, and wants me to only spend time with him if I REALLY want to, truly. He lets me have my alone time, which I need and cherish. He assures me that he's fine. I always want to help, and I worry, and I want to make sure I'm not ignoring him for too long… but he's always been fine. He doesn't criticize me for not calling him at the same time every day or for being gone too long. He might miss me, but doesn't mind me being away as long as I'm happy. Anything I throw at him, he takes it with ease… I always asked if whatever I said or did was too much, and worried I might hurt him. And he'd ask me with an assured smile in his voice, "What are you talking about? I don't see it." Yet, I know he is still human. If I find a weakness, I want to protect it. Wondrous, distracted, sensory-seeking A… waiting for his mistress to ask whatever she wants of him, hungry for her, in need of her guidance and formal tone, her natural dominance she has suppressed for so long. No more being a nice, passive girl that I think I'm supposed to be. I can be nice… but not a doormat. "A" reminds me that I can be assertive. He loves my Assertive. He loves Me, his Mistress, Myself. A's voice… low and accented, it's seductive to me even if he's merely saying hello. I can hear every kind of emotion in his voice and don't have to guess how he's feeling or what he might be thinking. His emotional and intellectual depth and maturity is obvious to me, just because of his voice. I feel everything he feels–even anger and negative emotions, but I accept that he's a passionate person and that's part of the package. He listens to me at least, quite intently, even when he's distracted by negative thoughts… I only need to speak up. In M's voice, I only heard a shallow, exhausted cry of a traumatized soul too far gone to feel anything and was faking interest in living. He made me laugh, but I didn't feel any depth beyond that wall he had built to protect his crumbling insides held together by the weakest glue, a writhing mass he tries to hide. A reassures me that everything is going to be okay. That worrying excessively is not healthy. He understands this deeply as we are alike. I help reassure him in the same way when he has those moments. We have been through a similar path of Hell and Back. Robbed of our identities before we were old enough to have one, indoctrinated–but escaped, rebuilt, and still recovering. We are allowed to live and have a place in this world, as ourselves, without shame. "A" helps me realize that it's 100% okay to be myself, to embrace who I really am, no matter what anyone (even him) thinks. I don't have to become the person I'm dating. I can just be me. And that helps me love him even more… because I can finally, finally love myself.