Posted by Anonymous on 2018/07/29 under Life Once again I lay here, the only one awake in the darkness. I sit here crying as I listen to the kids quiet snoring, along with his loud echoing ones. Everytime i look at him the tears flow more. 8 years. 8 years of me crying alone while he sleeps soundly besides me. 8 years of him asking me why I can never be happy. Why everything has to be depressing. 8 years of me begging for him to help me. Of begging for some kind of comfort. Instead i get "quit overreacting". I feel so alone I want to die. I told him so. I thought he'd help. Now I just feel worse for it. Now I still want to die..but I feel so guilty I cant even just want to die. Now I hear him yelling at me. "HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT..WHAT ABOUT THE BOYS…HOW COULD YOU BE SO SELFISH…DONT YOU LOVE THEM..WHATS WRONG WITH YOU."….I still want to die. But now I cry because wanting to die hurts too. I feel worthless. Useless. Unwanted. Especially now. I know he doesnt want me anymore. I see it. He told me he would f*** my friend if he could. He said it to hurt me because I said soemthing to hurt him..buy it wasnt a lie. He looks at her photos all the time. And whats worse is that the porn he watches has girls just like her. Skinny. Beautiful. Exotic looking. and here I am. None of those things. I'm fat. Ugly. Plain. He says he still wants me, but I can tell he doesnt care anymore. He hasnt for so long. He says "I love you" I ask him "why wont you help me when i cry. why dont you care? How can you fall asleep knowing I'm feeling so worthless and crying myself to bed.."You always cry"…thats it. Thats always his answer. I always cry. And hes right. I do. I do nothing but cry, because i cant kill myself. im to weak for that. I cant get help. I'm too scared. So I cry. One day.. When I'm finally gone…I wonder if it'll matter to him..or if he'll just say "she always cried".
2 thoughts on ““You always cry””
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I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish I could be there and hug you. I have felt what you are going through and I know it’s not easy. Literally dragging myself out of bed in the morning or just lying there wishing I never woke up. So many years have passed and only now have I come to realize that I am the one who has to be there for myself. No one else will always be there for me. People come and go, but I am the one who will always stay and be my own friend. I want you to do this. I want you to become your own friend. To look in the mirror and try to recognize and remember the woman you see. Can you do that for me?
oh my gosh, I can relate so well. red-rimmed eyes, early in the morning, and its raining… wish I could be there to help you. as it is, what little comfort I can offer you I will; you have my love and prayers…