Posted by Anonymous on 2018/01/01 under Life I don't know who I am and it scares the s*** out of me. I was a Christian to find my purpose but the lies stopped working. I thought about joining the military to find purpose but I somewhat value my individuality. I visit my past every night looking for direction because when I look forward all I feel is failure. I need something to believe in. For the biggest disability in this world is being faithless. I think about killing myself everyday… and everyday, death looks a little less bleak. I've sharpened my mind to hurt myself. And it cuts. And cuts. Perhaps life is the true chain and death is the key to liberation. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. And I want to. But there's a part of me that's still scared. What if I change my mind halfway or worse, what if I fail? People say I need to make a choice. That I need to want to change. But I don't think they get how bleak life is. I don't think they understand how much I hate myself. It's so deep. I can't stop crying sometimes because it hurts so much. And I've asked for help and tried to explain it. They've only got pills for people like me. I think I will go on the medication. I didn't want to but perhaps that'll make me more productive and that's what matters.