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Posted by on 2017/02/16 under Kids

I don’t want to grow up. To be more specific, I don’t want to be a grown up taking care of responsibilities. I don’t want to have responsibility with anything but I have to. I’ve got to. If I don’t what am I even here for!? Loaded question filled with things to think about leading to more stress. Yay. Anyway it’s hard trying to take action in what I have to do. I freeze up if anything stresses me, which is responsibility, and end up putting it to the side of my mind distracting myself with things so I don’t think about it but it grows the longer it’s there. It should be simple! Write the email. Ask the question with another email. Simple as that and yet I still find that difficult. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know! I’m falling even deeper behind because of the stress of it all. I don’t work smart. When I stress I sit here doing nothing but complain feeling very negative towards myself. I know what I’m doing wrong (at least I think so) and yet no action is taken. Just waiting and waiting for time to pass hoping it would already be done but its not done. Life does not wait and I’m here being clueless with it. I have no goals other than not doing anything and just staying home reading hoping to get away from it all. I think I’m having a mid-life crises without the mid life. I’m overwhelmed. Thinking about what my career should be is hard. Is it bad to not want a career. Is it bad to not want a career? To be a freeloader? And here I am. In college with nothing with no set goal. Spilling my immature thoughts. I am not comfortable with managing my time. I’m a procrastinator because I prefer to push things off to the side last minute because I want what I have to do to be pushed to the side and not there. I have no achievements. The achievement/award I did make do not count because I don’t have the qualities it required. Dependability? Loyalty? Cooperation? Please. It was the luck of the hand with only a handful of people that year in the running. I think I’m satisfied with not having a life in my life. I don’t know what my passion is. My previous passion involved me showing off and I didn’t like that very much. Gosh past me was so over confident. I liked being better than others. Thats a bad thought. I like doing things where I am better than everyone else in that subject. Thinking that being better than everyone left me satisfied so I stopped growing. I stopped my growth in getting better thinking that I am the best. I ended up putting a standstill on my potential to be good in that area when I was younger and now that I’m older I regret not looking for improvement. And thinking about how I regret it is putting my at a standstill right now. I know I can start looking for improvement but I’m still stuck in the past. I’m making no action to better my self. I’m procrastination. I don’t make sense I guess. I want to not be useless. I want to do things on my own without relying on others and yet I’m still here procrastinating hoping that someone will do the work for me but that can’t happen everytime. I’m used to people doing things for me. I’m used to going with what my parents do I guess. Im in college and I should be more independent. But I’m not. I’m still treated like a kid because I am still a bratty kid deep inside who wants to show off. I just grown a negative mind to keep that brat of a kid into making no sound I guess.

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