Love Work Family Friends Games Kids Life

Posted by on 2011/03/13 under Uncategorized

I feel so alone even though I am in a house of 5 adults I feel so completely alone. My husband died in 1996 very suddenly at 35….iwas 32, our children were very young only 8yrs and twins of 4. I have spent the last 14yrs focusing on bringing them up….or should I say pretending on focusing on bringing them up. Really I have been empty and alone…..dont get me wrong I love my children very much. I miss their Dad more than words can say it hurts more now than they day he was taken.The empty feeling, I sometimes feel, is going to drown me. I think about him every second of the day and that is no exaggeration I am so deeply bitter that he was taken from me.We had so much life ahead of us so much to learn together, so much to experience together, so much love together. I keep shouting in my head WHY ME WHY MY CHILDREN why do we have to suffer. I want him to see what beautiful children he has, how proud he should be of them. He has a beautiful grandson now…he was robbed of these moments….I should not be experiencing these moments alone I should be with him. I really do need counselling but I am frightened that I will lose him in a way, while I wallow I have him. But this is so depressing I am fed up of feeling like this but I have been like it for so long I am frightened if the feelin starts to ease I will start to forget him. I dont remember his voice, I should remember things like that. Sometimes, even after all these years I think I see him, rediculous I know,it doesnt give me comfort just pulls me back down into the black pit.
Nobody knows how I feel I think they may find it strange after 14 years that the feeling of grief has intensified instead of subsided. I dont think I will ever get over this.
Let me try and put into words how much I loved him……he was my breath every day. Nothing mattered ….the lack of money, the struggle of bringing up 3 small children on a low income, his being here being with me coming home to me at the end of the day was my life. My love for him hurt in my chest the joy at being in his life eased that pain.I am eternally grateful that he chose me that he loved me. I miss his voice, his kiss, his touch, his laugh, his love for his children, his radiance when he walked into aroom, him making love to me, him telling me everything will be ok, that he loves me, his smell, his help, his confidence.
I need him to tell me everything is going to be ok. I need him full stop and I cant have him and that rips me apart. I love you with all my heart, body and soul Bill.

Leave a Reply

Name and Mail are optional. Your email address is however required if you want to subscribe to the comments (see below)

This site uses User Verification plugin to reduce spam. See how your comment data is processed.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.