Love Work Family Friends Games Kids Life

Posted by on 2011/11/20 under Uncategorized

I just can’t stop thinking about what I did. I know it was the right decision for me at the time. I know it was the right thing to do for the BOTH of us at the time. But 4 years on I am still tormenting myself with the ‘what if’s’ of the situation. What if I didn’t have my abortion? Would I have had a boy? or a girl? Would I be happy? Would I be able to wake up in the morning thinking that becoming a mother at 17 was ok? Would my family have supported me if they had known? Should I even tell my family?

Every year around the time of my abortion I feel like a stranger inside my own body. I want to cry, and rage, and just let it all out. But I am scarred of telling any one what happened.

I often have the feeling like I am a murderer and that I should be punished for my crime. Like I should be killed for aborting my child. I am a horrible person and I just don’t know how to cope with it. I have found it so hard to connect with people since then. I am petrified of relationships and the thought of having other childern. Like I don’t deserve to have another child after the one that I signed the death order for.

I wish I was able to wake up in the morning and know that what I did was right for me at that stage of my life. Knowing that it opened my eyes to my own naivity and the frailty of human existence. But each night I still go to sleep wishing that I don’t wake up in the morning. Wishing that all the pain would disappear. Wishing to die.

Leave a Reply

Name and Mail are optional. Your email address is however required if you want to subscribe to the comments (see below)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.