Posted by Anonymous on 2013/10/08 under Uncategorized I talk to Sam practically every night. I would call Ben if I knew he were on a closer schedule to mine, but I don’t. That doesn’t mean I can’t just stop calling Sam, though, because I could if I wanted to. Yeah, I miss her. I miss f***ing her. I miss making love to her. I miss our jokes. I miss doing all this dumb s*** together, but also romantic stuff. But I do NOT miss those times when Zelda would come up and I would have to feel like all kinds of garbage.
I do want to see her and continue those things to a degree, but another degree of me knows better and wants better. I don’t mean to be an a******, and I really don’t even mean it in an a****** way, but there is a part of me that knows that even though what we had is gone, there is a chance to start something new, and have it be better, stronger than what it was. . . then there is a part of me that just keeps thinking “it’s never going to happen if she isn’t like the thing on your mind all the time (kinda like how Zelda is, except that she’s not there ALL the time, just A LOT) and it is certainly not going to happen while you two are in college, where it is a time to allow yourself to bloom, whether it be strengthening one relationship or developing new ones with others (I’m specifically referring to romantic cases). It also will not happen if you keep treating “it” like a friends with benefit thing, where you two have deeper feelings for each other, and even though it is simpler in some ways AT TIMES this way, it ends up coming full-circle eventually and getting complicated anyways.
This struggle is not new. She hates it. I hate it. But it’s there. The fact of the matter is that I love certain aspects of what we are able to achieve, but as a whole, I am not willing to accept her and our relationship with the good and the bad. To me, it often isn’t worth it. I hate to say it, but I just do not feel the way for Sam the way I do about Zelda. I don’t think Zelda is some almighty being, although she is lovely, but I cannot deny this unnatural feeling, this slight resistance to that thought. If I don’t settle it now, it WILL come out and haunt me in uglier ways later, as it has continuously done in the past.
With that being said, I’ve been doing some thinking.
I’m in college, yeah. I’m meeting new people, and they are great in their own ways. None of them can touch Zelda, or even Sam, but not in a hierarchical way. People are just their own, and it’s wonderful. There has been one that has grounded herself in my eyes. Her name is Erica.
Erica is this really intelligent, beautiful, happy person that continues to surprise and impress me as we go. First and foremost, she can definitely hang with me philosophically. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but too many people either do not care about philosophy, or just cannot/do not understand many of these things. I love the opportunity to change that, but as far as romantics go, I am not looking for that in a girl. I want to be able to spill out the wonders of my mind and have her soak it up and stretch it, bend it, kindly or wildly argue it (always compassionately, always intelligently, as any good philosopher) and make it her own, as well as stretch me with her wonders. This is WHO I AM. I want someone to explore the wonders of the mind together. I want to be able to explore the world together, and smile at, yes, THE RAIN, and EXISTENCE and what not. She is great. I can keep this going, but I need to move on. I have a good feeling about her, and we are having a planned meeting for the second time (no more random meet-ups!) tomorrow afternoon at the Gizmo again. Whether or not it becomes romantic is honestly not part of my plan. I think she could make an excellent girlfriend, and I suspect I could be the same for her, but only time will tell.
Which brings me to my next point. I MUST leave this door not only open, but as wide as any other door would be. I cannot keep dragging this thing on with Samantha, even if we are just calling it friends or whatever, not only because it is not fair to her, myself or Erica, but because we have seen how bad not letting the water clear can be before. I will not let this happen again. Sure, maybe Samantha and I can be together again, but I have no resistance to try it with Erica, and obviously some to try it with Samantha AGAIN. That being said, I am going to go with the flow, and follow what feels most natural. I will give her and I a fair chance. Sure, I don’t know if we are going to go out or not, but I can’t just keep screwing around on the side with Samantha, even though it is in a lot of ways meaningful, just because it is convenient in some ways. I really need to clear myself physically and emotionally before giving something else its own genuine chance. Sex is not that important, and if I had another chance, it would NOT have been more important to me than Zelda. Yes, I wish I knew then what I know now, but FAITH is taking the next step without seeing the staircase ahead and nobility is doing the right thing without being promised a reward later. Erica is that staircase. She is that possible reward. She is that chance. I must honor the possibility as I should have with Zelda if I am to make the best results possible.
I know this is what I must do.
So… let’s do it, Alec.