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Posted by on 2013/09/21 under Uncategorized

Okay, so the day has come. Next weekend is a family reunion. I cant fully explain the “severity” of my story without dipping into my entire life, so here I go. I have a pretty traditional large mexican family. There are a bunch of families and then my family and obviously the mothers of each family(my aunts) all gather and gossip and then theres the fathers, my uncles, and theres my cousins and we are all expected to hang out , which we used to do wonderfully. My family is the black sheep family. We are the only ones with convictions, who dropped our religions, who dont have a mom, who smoke, you name it. Im the daughter, 16. Then theres my dad, younger biological brother, and my two older half brothers. My mom left us for her drugs and thats the end of that, no hard feelings to be honest. My oldest half brother, ugh. He raped me when i was young a bunch of times over a period of years. Hes at least 7 years older than me and i was around 6 at the time. So we were both considerably young and for the sake of my father and family, ive forced myself to get over it and move on. He only visited on weekends anyways, on days where i would have to hide in my room and avoid everyone. He moved away got a life and then only a few months ago was arrested. Hes been living at our house awaiting court ever since. Its been terrible but after going through what ive gone through, ive been able to put on a strong face and become accustomed to just always being in my room. The only problem is, its destroyed my relationship with my other two brothers who i really love and look to for company. Its rendered me silent because there is literally no one to talk to at all. And due to my anxiety i started homeschool before my brother even moved back in so i have no friends at all and no one to vent to ever. I literally only say about 4 words a day. Well ive honestly been coping fine, waiting for court to come. Here are where the real problems are. The two events, losing my mom, and being forced to live a door away from my rapist, have turned me into the lamest kid ever. Another factor of my loneliness. I just, give life zero effort , i see through everyone in an empathetic yet cynical way and am just uninterested in getting to know anyone who doesnt reach my newly founded standards of friendship. And my location means i hardly see any other teenagers anyway. So the problem, next weekend is a family reunion. For an entire WEEKEND. 100 MILES AWAY FROM HOME. I cant do it. A year ago when my dad began planning it, i told myself i would kill myself before enduring 48 hours like that. Now the time is here and im running out of options. The reason i dont want to go is because of this: Once we arrive to any family event- my little brother runs to his male cousins whos conversations im excluded from obviously- my older brother is older and i havent made the opportunity to build a relationship with him because his older brother raped me- my dad runs off to be with his cousins- my female cousins sit with their moms and are two inches deep. I DONT HAVE A MOM. WHERE DO I GO? Its not just that im socially awkward due to life mistakes i had no control over, but since my oldest brother is out on bail and this is his last chance to see his entire family before being locked up again for good, he i most definitely coming. And that means family members asking about my reactions to his new arrival in my home again, and our relationship. And the distance between us will be so blatant. I cant pretend in front of so many eyes im normal. I can withstand an hour, i can hardly , but still, withstand three. But three DAYS? Friday, Saturday and Sunday!? I cant do it. I told my dad, begged him, please just let me stay, but all of a sudden im turned in to the selfish one. I literally dont have a choice. He has made it firmly clear that i dont have a choice whether i want to go or not, im going. He says itd be an insult, and embarrassment if i didnt. But i really cant go, i dont want to and i cant i just cant cant cant cant cant. I would rather fall off a five story building. what do i do? I cant help but feel if my mom were coming this would be so much easier, i forgot to mention, EVERYONE in my family except me and my brothers speaks spanish. My moms black so he, my brother and i dont speak it and if she came wed be inseparable. But she cant and i dont know what to do. HELP SOMEONE. Im so afraid. I dont want to be singled out AGAIN for three days in front of the same people im supposed to call family.))))));

6 thoughts on “i need to spill my guts tonight.advice wouldnt hurt either.

  1. Anonymous says:

    🙁 come here and i will hug you, hold you and cuddle with you till you feel better. i am sorry, i cant even imagine going through all that and still staying strong, i am going through something no where as near as painful as you and i am really struggling so i can imagine how hard it must be for you, i wish i could give u more advice, but all i can really say is that i hope you find a way out and i really hope and wish for your happiness.
    as for the alone part, maybe if you have an ipod or something, just download some music/movies that way you wont feel alone, or get some books to take with you and you can read.
    i really hope it works out for you, *a very very tight hug* Everything will be alright soon, don’t lose hope, i really wish i could hug you tightly till you feel better, but this is the best i can do. i hope you become happy really soon.

    1. retardgirl says:

      <3 thank you.

      1. Anonymous says:

        that one heart that you put in your reply, the first time i have smiled in months, almost a year, thanks, i really needed that 🙂 I love you <3 <3

        1. retardgirl says:

          it makes me happy to know i made you smile. (: wish you were f***ing here. too much love stranger.

  2. frank says:

    it would be easier if you didn’t say you didn’t want to go but just somehow research how to really fake being ill… you can’t go if your puking, fever, chills, all that… thats an option…its going to be tough because your dad will think your faking but you need to make him believe i guess… or if you go.. go to the reunion on friday for an hour at most and then skip away and bring book, movie, pad and paper, get out of there… do that on sat, sun… if theres that many people hopefully they won’t really notice… but i guess it’ll be tough if you have to eat with everyone… i’m sure they will.. i don’t know… i want to help and wish there was a way…

    1. retardgirl says:

      that was my original plan, faking sick but its too late now. hel know and he really will drag me along anyways. hes done things like that before. if he doesnt believe i was raped i dubt hel believe im sick. and although those are good ideas, they are the reason i dont want to go. i dont want to be forced to alienate myself at a family reunion. its just too painful i will end up crying or bing spotted and reeled back into the pretend fun and i just cant handle it. im f***ing afraid, and really have no way out.thank you though aaghghhhhhhhghghg help me ! im getting so much anxiety thinking about it. and i cant even look at my dad. he means well honestly but im so mad at him. how can he be so dumb not to realize my reasons for wanting to stay! uwdguwdcuwcb im f***ing afraid D:

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